Big Time Jitters
Wow…so I suppose I’ll start by saying some things have occurred to me recently…
- I use too many exclamation points. But it’s in my genetic workup, so I’m not making any promises to eradicate my exclamation point usage…but I’ll WORK ON IT. How’s that? Good.
- I applied for a business license. I got my first opportunity to do some writing and actually get paid for it, so, I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m super excited to get started and see where this chapter of my life takes me.
- I decided to start an additional BLOG, which will hopefully tie into some of the work that I will be doing for another company my husband and I want to launch – but right now it’s a pipe dream…maybe someday. I’d like to focus on food. Reviewing restaurants, kitchen gadgets, etc. Writing stories about it, sharing recipes…and on and on. Anyway – once it gets fully set up, I’ll launch it properly and hopefully have a lot of fun with it.
I heard someone say recently that “Whatever you do in your spare time, should be what you do for life.” It struck a cord in me – and then all these ideas started flowing and spewing out of my head. SO – here I go! I’m on my way. Let’s hope it takes me on a fun adventure!
Also – please note that there are only two exclamation points in this entire post. Pretty impressive, no?
This Town is Out to GET ME…and other Lunch Time Ramblings
Funny thing happened at lunch the other day – I’ve tweeted about it and even perhaps based a Facebook status on this subject…but it’s so hard to elaborate in 140 characters or less. Here’s the long version:
Our office recently moved to a city that I’ve never spent that much time in – approximately 45 minutes AS THE xB FLIES – and I ventured out to lunch a couple weeks ago. The thing is, the morning before this fateful lunch hour, I had gotten to work earlier than anticipated and decided to go on a drive around the new ‘hood to check out the lay of the land. Where are all the hot spots for lunch? Gas stations? The banks…yadda-yadda-bleh. So I do that and head into work.
The next day I decided to go hit up one of the places I found for lunch. I found a sign down a semi-residential street that appeared to give the illusion of a back entrance – SUH-WEET! So I head down the street that this secret driveway dumped onto in search of the hidden entrance…huh…sure seems like I should have found it by now, eh? Hmmm…keep driving a little more – I’m sure it’ll pop up soon, if not I’ll take the first left I can and head off to the main road and find it that way. Seems simple enough, right? Suuuuuure…you would say that…
Next street that popped up was a 4 way stop. I turned left. I’m driving along and notice that there’s a car that just took a really tight right turn onto the road I was traveling on and then they kinda moved to the left a little so that we wouldn’t crash. I’m all, “WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING MORON!!!!!”…only…turns out IIIIIIIIII was the MORON in this situation because about 3 blocks back, when I turned left? I had just turned onto a ONE WAY STREET – GOING THE WRONG WAY!!!!! HOLY SHIT! So the next possible driveway I could turn into was a Grocery Store parking lot – thank GAWD! As I turned in someone was kind enough to be coming out of the driveway I was driving INTO and they kindly honked their horn as though to say, “Excuse me ma’am…you were just going the wrong way down a one-way street…were you aware of that?”…I’m sure the look on my face was saying everything my mouth couldn’t at the time. Something like, “FUCK YEAH! I JUST FIGURED THAT SHIT OUT, MAN!!!!” And then I almost had a heart attack. Luckily there was only that one car who kinda just simply got outta my way, but I’ve been down that road a time or two – GOING THE RIGHT WAY – and I can tell you that God must have been my co-pilot that day because there’s normally lots-o-traffic on that stupid street!
Funny thing, that same day – I hit the Taco Time after I had calmed myself down and went through the drive-thru for one of their DELICIOUS TOSTADO SALADS – of the BEEF variety – when as I was exiting the drive through I was almost clobbered by a car backing out of their parking space and almost got smooshed in my new car!!!! I think I was just happy to make it home that day in one piece! It was a miracle.
SO that takes me to today’s lunch adventure – again – two weeks later, headed to Taco Time for another delicious TOSTADO SALAD – of the BEEF variety – and as I exited their parking lot, waiting for my turn to get onto the one-way street (headed in the correct direction) I noticed their driveway entrance was designed by someone from ENGLAND because they had the driveway spill out onto the street and for the people entering this fine fast food establishment from the street, they were to enter on the LEFT SIDE of the driveway entrance and those DEPARTING were to be leaving via the RIGHT SIDE of the entrance…which is COMPLETELY ASS BACKWARDS. So I was second in line and not expecting the “lead car” to veer to the right…and so I was basically taking up ALLLL the space for any incoming cars to enter the parking lot. Here’s my BEEF – pun intended – WTF, man!!!! No matter what kind of street your place is situated on, aren’t you supposed to follow even the most BASIC driving patterns? Let me illustrate, okay????
This is how it SHOULD BE:
_____________| v ^ |________________
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>one way>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
This is the way it IS:
_____________| ^ v |________________
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>one way>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Lame, right? I mean…the way it IS, obviously would block traffic, since along those long lines is parking and also an aisle for the drive-thru customers to drive to exit the drive-thru!!!! It’s SIMPLE, really…even my 9 year old would design it as the way I illustrated it in the “SHOULD BE” picture…
So I think that this town is going to give me lots of material for my blog the more I venture out. Stay tuned. I really hope the illustrations show properly when I publish this post. We’ll see I guess.
Thanks for stopping by! Love, Carm
Rainbows are scary…especially when they follow you home…
Funny thing happened on the way home tonight. I hop onto I-5 headed south – just like every other day. The sky was full of clouds and looked to be trying to sprinkle a little. About 15 minutes into my communte, it was sprinkling at a pretty good clip.
About 5 minutes later it was a TOTAL DOWNPOUR. Windsheild wipers slappin at full speed just so that I could see the car in front of me because the lines and the little bumps were invisible underneath all the road spray from all the cars. The rain slowed down enough for me to see a definite line in the clouds…I knew if I could get to that line, that the skies looked lighter and perhaps..even get a glimpse of the sun for the first time in about 4 days. It IS Washington State, afterall. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE WHERE I LIVE! There’s no where else I want to be. Okay..I lied. I’d like to live in Italy. And also Ireland. And probably Thailand. Okay…and a few others…maybe a couple dozen…but what I’m trying to say here is, I don’t mind the weather. It gives us the most green vegitation all year round and lovely mountains and fresh water and all the fresh air a gal could ask for….I DIGRESS!
So here comes the line in the sky…here it comes…and then it happened!!!! SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And of course, it was still raining like a mofo…like it was “weird” still raining – like there were no clouds above me type-of-raining. And then I saw it…a very very vibrant rainbow…it seemed to be landing on my driver’s side, side mirror and then I of COURSE looked for the pot of gold outside my window because traffic had come to a TOTAL standstill and it was safe for me to do so..also – I had my SUNGLASSES on…so I think I would have been the only one to see that pot o’ gold if it had been there so I wouldn’t have had to SHARE it with anyone.
So there wasn’t a pot of gold. There wasn’t even a pot of anything. NOT. EVEN. SKITTLES. How lame is THAT? I KNOW!!!!
So I kept on driving as the traffic started to clear up – totally forgetting about the stupid gorgeous rainbow…when all of a sudden it caught my eye…it seemed to be now resting on the door of my car. Great. It’s obvious that this no-pot-o-gold-givin, not even SKITTLES-spewing-rainbow was following me home. I swear I drove 20 miles with this thing landing on one part of my car or the other. And then I kinda started getting skerrrd a little…I mean I couldn’t SHAKE this thing! I’d been driving since RENTON with this thing on my tail the ENTIRE TIME and it wasn’t letting go!!!! I turned corners on the freeway. NOPE! Still there! I changed lanes. NOPE! I even got OFF OF THE FREEWAY – no, not specifically to try to outrun the Rainbow from HELL, but to actually make my way to my house…and it was STILL THERE. I decided to stop acting like a crazed maniac and crank up the volume on the stereo, sing some Bon Jovi and just ignore it. LA LA Laaaaaaaa….
I get home, hop outta the car, head inside and my doggie welcomed me with a waggin’ tail and was hoppin all over the place, which means that she wants to go OUTSIDE…and I approach the back door and let her out and I look outside AND THAT SHIT WAS IN MY BACKYARD, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t make this shit up, ya’ll. It was really REALLY scary! Usually a rainbow lasts, what? Like 5 minutes? This thing was following me for about 25 minutes!!
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A RAINBOW! Especially the stalker kind.
When BLOGGERS unite!
Okay – HOLY CRAP! Where do I start? Probably the texting…ever since her plane touched down – and let’s face it – probably even before that, I sent a text saying “ARE YOU IN MY STATE YET?!?!?!?” And about 6 hours later, she said, “NOW I AM!” So…that was Wednesday.
Thursday rolls around and Hannah and Guy decide they want to get their TOURIST ON in BC Canada! All the while I’m thinking to myself,
“*Gulp* I sure hope they don’t get stuck at the border, because THIS chick is gonna start WWIII if my NANNER GETS STUCK AT CUSTOMS!!!! I ain’t messin AROUND here PEOPLE!”
The texting ranges from me telling her not to eat the lame Canadian M&M’s to her asking if Oreo’s are different in Canada. Obviously, we have our priorities. Fun Fact: Canadian M&M’s aren’t called M&M’s – they are called SMARTIES! Which doesn’t make much sense, because there is already a candy called SMARTIES and they AIN’T CHOCOLATE!
There was one moment when you know…you’re thinking that this just isn’t going to happen simply because it’s YOU and that’s your DUMB LUCK – well that moment happened to me around 4:57pm on Thursday:
Me: You weren’t hit by a car at Pike Place Market today, were you?
Hannah: No, should I have?
Me: uh…NOOOOOOO!!! Just checkin!! Freak me out!!!
With the hilly terrain of Seattle, most people don’t realize that if you have shitty brakes, you may as well stay home and someone didn’t realize that on Thursday. Turns out the brakes gave out and smashed into some pedestrians and severely damaged them and well…let’s just say that I’m overjoyed it wasn’t MY Hannah and Guy and that I’m sorry for the people who were injured.
CRISIS AVERTED!!!!
Then FRIDAY gets here and you know, this is the BIG DAY! I started the textravaganza with “Holy Shit! It’s HUG A BANANA DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” She’s coming….TODAY!!!! I had been feverishly getting the house as spic-n-span as I can get it for a few days and it looks like Christmas THREW UP IN MY HOUSE because we have so many decorations everywhere the eye can see. As I finish what has GOT to be the longest day on record ever since the inception of CLOCKS…4:30 finally got here and I left a dust trail from my office door to my car that followed me all the way home – ala Road Runner. I knew there was stuff that still needed to happen at home as far as cleaning was concerned and I wasn’t about to have Hannah and Guy step into my gross house!
With the help of my loving husband and two extremely well-behaved children, we were able to make the house sparkle. And then the waiting began. The text I got before I left work said, “OK. My cousin is in Seattle from 4-5, so then we leave and come straight to y’all. YAYYY!!!!!”
Then it happened, y’all! My daughters were sitting at the dining room table and said, “Mom – someone just waved at us!” AND. THEN. I. FREAKED. OUT!!!!!!!! I ran to the door and flung it open and then we ran into each other and hugged and hugged. Screaming commenced and then there were several YAY’S and lots more hugging and giggling and introductions. And let me tell you people something…I DIDN’T EVER THINK THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN!!!!! I mean…I just have a doomed outlook or something or a “too good to be true” view on the world. I just knew something was gonna make it not happen. BUT I WAS WRONG!!!!!
We had Daqueri’s and beer and we bought Guy some Mike’s Hard Lemonade because Hannah told us he loves that shizz. And my hubs was in the kitch making Pizza so that we could all visit. So we ate some yummy pizza and then I whipped out the OREO’S and some big glasses of MILK!!!!! And we ate an entire package of Oreo’s!!!! Those were probably the best tasting Oreo’s I had ever had in my life. Not so sure if it was the Oreo’s themselves, or the company…but I’m gonna put all my money on the latter.
THEEEEENNNNN it was Saturday and we were waking up and hanging out and talkin and my 9 year old made muffins for our distinguished guests. And my dog got them all hairy…especially after Hannah laid on the living room/dining room floor for a snuggle with her and when she got up she said it was cat hair and I was all…UH…NO IT ISN’T!!!! And then I molested her a little as I was brushing all the dog hair (cat hair – yeah RIGHT) off of her.
We decided we had better get all ready to go meet up with Kate and Annie at a little burger joint about 20-25 minutes from our house and that’s when we took this:
The FOUR amigos!!Of course Annie handed her camera to my daughter who is 9 years old and who wanted to assert her artistic side…which gifted us THIS lovely picture:
Carm and Annie! I love this one!!And then here are a few more – you can almost hear the laughter, can’t you?
We had a wonderful time together. Lunch with all our favorite Bloggers pretty much was the cherry on top of our entire two days of awesomeness.
I can’t wait to visit DC someday and see where Hannah and Guy live!! It’s going to be EPIC!!!!!
The Coolness Factor
Are those women's sunglasses? UNCOOL
Let’s face it folks, some people have it…others, not so much.
Do you ever just sit back and people watch and wonder to yourself, how is it possible for someone to be so…well…NOT COOL?!?!
I face this question every day. Let me give you some examples:
Example #1: The phoney baloney relationship uncool teenage boy
Chillin’ at Oldest Daughter’s Volleyball game. Sitting just one bleacher row down from me was one of the volleyball girls and her “boyfriend”. I couldn’t help but think…was I ever that geeky looking? I mean, my husband and I met at that VERY SAME HIGH SCHOOL…I’m sure we snuggled and had our arms around each other practically the same way as those two did..but I can’t help but think we were WAAAAY cooler looking than these two. It just seemed so phony or something. Granted, a high school volleyball game probably isn’t somewhere that you would normally find a match made in heaven, but still.
So they were all hand holdy and whispery and giggly. And if I’m not mistaken this dude had on a Members Only jacket…but hey, I’m not gonna judge a book by it’s cover…BWAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! YES I AM! Who am I trying to kid? That’s TOTES what I’m gonna do! So then I looked this “dude” over a little bit and uh…dude had the total Shaun Cassidy ‘do. It was all feathery and sooohohohooooo 80’s. But you know…whatevs.
Then his little sweetie pie gets called down to the court to help the varsity girls warm up and whammo…he starts texting on his cell like the second her last foot hit the hardwood floor. Which kinda cracked me up…and added some weight to the whole “phoney baloney” story I had made up in my mind.
Here’s one that hits really close to home – along the same topic:
My oldest daughter is 14. This summer she just discovered BOYS! *slaps forehead*
It was bound to happen sooner than later. I realize this. I just had hoped that it wouldn’t kick in for ONE MORE YEAR!
This summer there was a neighbor boy who was visiting his Dad up the road for the summer, and well, the family is less than desirable…but I kept my cool. I let things progress naturally until one day the kid was in my house and even though my huz was home at the time, he didn’t know this kid was hanging out in the living room and kitchen until he hopped out of the shower…luckily he had a towel on and all that, but STILL! WTF?!?!?!?
So oldest was showing off and flirting and all that crap when I got home. The reception that I got was full of HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, people!! It was soooooo Eddie Haskel it’s not even FUNNY! Full of “Gosh” and “WOW!” and “Yes Ma’am”. Meanwhile this kids dad is up the street head shaved, tatted out and smoking 2 packs a day right out in the front yard. OF ALL THE DAMN KIDS ON THE BLOCK, she picked the HILLBILLIEST of them ALL and we are basically having a HEART ATTACK! It’s like the only house on our block that is lame and white trashy…
So what we have here is someone who isn’t quite able to pull off the “cool” card and another who is trying to over use it. Where’s the balance?
Example #2: Co-worker – yeah, Ms. Sneezing all over my office without covering her pie/sneeze hole…she’s showing up in THIS blog post too…thought we were done with her, didn’tchya? NOPE!
Some one who is so unable to adjust her normal routine that it just about puts her into a tailspin when she has to do something out of the ordinary. Someone who is wired to JUMP the second the mailman gets here and shuffles through the company mail to only micro-milliseconds later walk past my desk and say something like, “There were no checks in the mail today – only bills.” or “There are 3 checks in the mail.”…uh…THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP NIMROD! Almost like, if she’s the first to notice something or find something out she’s gotta brag all about it and be all SHARE-Y. Welp…I process the mail everyday…I’m gonna see that shit. It’s not a newsflash worthy event and it doesn’t increase your street cred. It’s the mail. Thank you very much.
So in closing, I think that it’s important to KNOW your COOLNESS FACTOR. Either you have it or you don’t. That’s not to say there aren’t varying degrees of Coolness, but you need to get a grip on where you fall in the pie chart of cool and try not to stray outside those lines. The result may be a BLOG post…about you. Peace out, homies. SKIDOOOOOOOSH!
NaNoWriMo – 2nd attempt!
Have you heard of NaNoWriMo?
November is the month to write a novel!!!! The goal of NaNoWriMo is to get as many people as we can muster to write a Novel in 30 days. A novel consists of 50,000 words. That equates to 1666.67 words written each day for 30 days.
This will be my 2nd attempt, although last year I think I stopped at one paragraph…this year I have something very inspiring to write about…and some may not think that I will be able to write an ENTIRE book about being bitchy, but I assure you…I have enough inspiration around me to last an entire Harry Potter-esque series…so thanks to a friend of mine for giving me the ammo to approach this goal again…I will attempt it. GOD HELP ME, I’ll ATTEMPT IT!
The support that flows through NaNoWriMo’s website it really wonderful…although it didn’t give me the kick in the ass that I needed last year to finish what I started! I don’t blame it on anyone but myself! I’m not a damn novelist! I like to BLOG about nonsense and mayhem and pissyness!!! I don’t care. This year…I’m sassy enough, bitchy enough and GODDAMMIT, people piss me off!
I hope you give it a shot. If you do, please let me know and I’ll be-friend you there and we’ll get this show on the road – TOGETHER! Yessirreebob!
Rantings about Co-Workers
Much like this baby...I'm annoyed.
Here we go…firstly…none of these morons know that I have a blog. SO….I’m going to speak FREELY. And for those of you who feel I’m being judgmental. Yes. I am. I’m in a mood today, so either quit reading now before your vision of me is clouded with “Wow! I didn’t know Carm could be such a BIATCH!” I assure you…I can…and while these people around me on a daily basis are getting on my LAST DAMN NERVE…I *do* still love them…somewhere in the deep recesses of the very fiber of my being, although today…I’d be hard pressed to find where those recesses are. Just be prepared for some profanity laced rants. You have been warned.
AAAAAAND we’re off!
Finger nail clipping. Really? Do you HONESTLY need to do that at work? There is something just INCREDIBLY GROTESQUE about doing this grooming exercise at work. It makes the hair on my neck stand up.
Sneezing without covering your mouth. Not only have I expressed my displeasure at this practice POINTEDLY with this person, but so have my parents – who own this company and sign her checks. She refuses. Would you like to hear what she actually said to me once when I asked her not to sneeze into my office without covering her mouth? Are you sitting down?
I’m not sick.
3 words that turned me into a raving BITCH ON WHEELS! YOU’RE NOT SICK? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?! Let’s turn to our favorite Mythbusters, shall we? The science of a sneeze. Yes, you need to sit through a stupid commercial, but it’s totally worth it and you will thank me for enlightening you.
THIS…is why I got in her shit. I don’t give a rats ass if you aren’t sick. You are sneezing TOWARDS MY OFFICE. It’s like you are spitting in my FACE!!!!!!! She even turns her HEAD in my direction. I think I’m going to vomit. And being the “kind” person that I am…it KILLS me to say “Bless You” when she sneezes, because I’d rather punch her in the throat, but I say it…yeah…I say it.
THIS JUST HAPPENED: The phone rang. Normally I don’t answer on the first ring, we have someone here to answers the phone, but if it rings more than once, I’m ON IT. So the phone rings…once…twice…AAALLLMOST 3 times, but I pick it up before it actually rings the third time. Then, Ms. Sneezy Face walks by my office and was all, “Did the phone ring?”……………..Yeah…it did. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!? Like I would be answering the phone without it ringing? Questions to answers that you already know the answer to annoy the hell out of me. This seems to be the practice of most busy-bodies that I know. They have to be in on everything and if they ask questions that CLEARLY the answer has just played out in front of them does a couple things…it 1.) Re-affirms that this person is indeed all up in EVERYBODY’s business…and 2.) Enforces it to everyone around them that not much gets by them because they are sooooo on top of everything.
I.T. guys in GENERAL drive me insane, but the one we have here seems to me that he’s either got some major OCD issues or he’s slightly Autistic. Far be it from me to poke fun at Autism, but when it’s in the form of a kid in his low 30’s who still acts like he’s 17, what with the video gaming, quad riding, obnoxious fascination with WWF…and his tendency to ramble on and on and on while standing in my office about things that I don’t solicit knowing ANY detail about…just completely and totally gets on my nerves. Why do I need to know about something that was shipped to our office, that you didn’t fill out a purchase request for, because it was an automatic update and has no impact on anyone but HIM? It’s like on a daily basis he wastes a FULL HOUR of my time with interruptions like these. I’ll be honest…it makes me want to drink…or smoke crack. I haven’t decided yet.
The office “Know-it-all”. Someone who works for MY PARENTS, continually thinks that he knows more about their quirks than I do. Trying to hold a conversation with this person is pointless. He “one-up’s” EVERYTHING! We shared a lunch hour ONCE. Yes…just the ONE TIME, before I asked to take another lunch hour. I had decided that I’d spend the entire hour talking about various topics in front of him, just to see if/how he could share with us AAAALLLLLL how he had been there done that. I had a friend of mine with me for that hour. What transpired was simply….magical. It gave us enough material on this guy to last for YEARS! We *still* talk about that day. And it’s 5 years later. You talk about something you cooked for dinner, he’d tell you how to make it BETTER. You talk about how you pulled weeds in the backyard, he’s got a tool or a chemical that ERADICATES weeds forEVER! NEVER AGAIN will you have to bend over and pull another weed! We talked about giving birth…somehow, he found a way to worm his way into that too. Apparently NOTHING is sacred to this guy. But it was fun going in to see how many times, he’d jump in – it’s when you aren’t wanting him to, when it gets really hard to maintain any sense of sanity.
Do you need to HUM ALL DAY LONG? Right outside my door sits the nail clipping, no-sneeze covering, HUMMER. It happens ALL. DAY. LONG. I have to turn my stereo on pretty loud to drown her out. Sometimes she’ll come in my office, sit down and just want to shoot the shit and while I’m working…she hums. My skin crawls.
How about this one? Ever have someone…say a parent or a sibling, that seems a little dopey or A.D.D.? Try having a mother and a brother that both work with you and trying to hold a serious detailed conversation and something shiny floats by and all of a sudden you have to repeat EVERYTHING you just said because they got distracted. I literally have to ask then twice while I’m in mid conversation if they are paying attention.
Oh…this is just the tip of the iceberg, people. But I’m getting a bit edgy so I should probably stop.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to share your workplace or homefront frustrations. I’d really like to know I’m not alone here.
kthanksloveyoubye
Everyone has ONE good puke story…
Okay…maybe it’s just me…but here it is for the entire Blogosphere to read!
So I have these gay neighbors. Totally skyrocketed the house values on my block when they moved in. SERIOUSLY! I adore them. We get invited to their two biggest parties every year: The Summer Party and The Christmas Party. Oh the fun and mayhem that transpires at these parties. Where to begin?
First of all…the bar. They have a FULL BAR in the basement – our neighborhood is filled with homes from the 1920’s. Super adorable, oodles of charm and STEEP STAIRCASES! And yet…the bar? DOWNSTAIRS. I lovingly refer to our neighbors as “Gay-bors”…and in turn, they refer to us as the “Straight-bors”. Turn about is fair play, I suppose.
These parties are filled with screaming queens…and some very wealthy people, I might add. So much laughter and love and good times, I can’t even express all the things that happen, however there are a few firsts that have happened to me at these parties.
- I have been known to remove my bra. But I did it in that “stealth” way that us girls do, without actually taking off our shirts? yeah…if you’re a dude and you’re reading this? Next time you’re in a situation where a chick is comfortable enough with you to remove her bra without taking off her shirt? Ask her to do it. You’ll be amazed. Trust!
- My very first time getting drunk – at age 35 – was at the Gaybors Christmas party.
- Kissing other men. Yep – no safer a place to kiss another man than at a gay party. They don’t want me like that, but they like to lock lips with big chested women, so who am I to turn them down?
- I puked. BAD. But it was Donavon’s fault. So I blame him…and I’ll explain why.
So this Christmas Party was about 4-5 years ago. The cocktail of the evening was Vodka-Cran – uh Vodka with Cranberry Juice. I’m not naturally a drinker, so I think there’s another name for this too…if you know it…please enlighten my readers, will you? Thanks.
So Donavon asks me if I want something to drink. I’m all…SURE! He takes my hand and takes me to the basement and pours me a drink. Well, there’s a couple things you should know about the Gay’s when you attend their parties.
- They make a stiff drink.
- They are extremely generous.
- They make a stiff drink.
- They don’t like the sound of ice clinking in an empty glass.
- They make a stiff drink.
- They do not like it when your husband tells them after your fifth drink that we need to “cut her off” or “she’s had enough”. You will be enlightened with a level of bitchiness that even a woman does not possess. TRUTH!
So…we mingle, catch up with the many people who have become our friends at this point, because we make it to both of these parties every year and well…let’s face it…you have a set of straight white teeth and a large ample chest, and the gay men just want to be near you so they can kiss you, play with your hair and feel your boobs all night long. I’ve never met a more loving group of people. I’m sure it’s because Scott and Donavon are such awesome people and they attract the same in their friends, but seriously. For people we only get to see twice a year and perhaps a few visits and waves when they visit the Gaybors, we’ve never been invited to so many gatherings, or to vacation homes…it’s just awesome.
So about 5 drinks in, I made the mistake of letting the ice clink in the bottom of my glass while Donavon was right next to me. His ears perked up and he honed in on me like he was on a MISSION! We were in the basement, I believe at that point. Anyway…he’s all, “Honey…you need another drink.” And my husband said, “No, she’s good. We’re gonna get ready to go.”
All i remember is that I heard Donavon put my husband in his place – it went something like:
This is MY HOUSE! Don’t you tell ME when she’s had enough to drink! You just take your happy little cute ass upstairs and I’ll take care of mah GIRL!
Well then…he tried to take me away before Donavon could get me another glass full of VODKA, and the strangest thing happened. That glass seemed to float through the air and land in my hand as my husband had my other hand leading me up the stairs and he had his back to me…there were, I’d guess, about 15 stairs to climb. And here’s the scary part. The glass was empty by the time we got to the top. Yeah. I guzzled that shit.
So I sorta remember showing off about taking my bra off without actually taking my shirt off, then someone ran off with my bra. Then…I sorta remember sitting in one of their chairs in their formal living room. And then, I remember opening my eyes, after what I can only imagine that I had dozed off/passed out. Opened my eyes, opened my mouth, and PUKED all over the living room. A. LOT.
Some might be embarrassed. Not me. Let’s just say, if you gotta puke after drinking too much? Do it in a house full of gay men. Seriously. It makes them love you MORE! I wouldn’t say that I felt embarrassed so much as I felt bad that I puked all over their designer rugs and furniture. Someone was nice enough to hand me a towel…and there was a “clean up patrol” dispatched…I guess they expect this sort of thing to happen all the time! No less than a dozen people told me not to worry about it. Little did they know that I was so proud of myself.
Let me explain. I had never been drunk before. EVER. At age 35 this was the first time EVER. I was also on a medication that I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol while on, but I had never been much of a drinker, so I completely forgot about that…I just felt so proud that I had finally experienced the fact that I had gotten drunk! It was a milestone!!!!
So the carpet came out clean as a whistle, needless to say that I gave those parties something to talk about for many years to come and I was outdone the very next year because someone tripped going UP their front stairs while they were drunk and bashed their head on the cement and the ambulance had to come. So…we bonded over that.
Honorary Jew Status
About a year ago, I was bestowed a great honor by one of my most potty-mouthiest of friends. It’s been about a year so I guess you could call it my “Jewversary”. She couldn’t find all the pieces at her local (Silver Spring, Maryland) Home Depot, for her Sukkah(*see below) project. On my birthday, I decided to hook her up because – as it turns out – I am a previous hardware store worker and knew EXACTLY everything she needed to complete her project! Anyway – Hannah decided to get out her golden menorah and bestow on me the most wonderfully unofficial title I’ve ever carried: Honorary Jew.
There are a lot of questions I had when I was first given this status – many of them I needed to ask about, some of which I drew the line on, and some – I found out – I already possessed! Here’s what being an “Honorary Jew” means to me:
- First of all I had to make it CLEAR to Hannah that I would not – under ANY circumstances – alter my diet WHATSOEVER! I mean…a life without pork? SERIOUSLY? You might as well kill me NOW! Have you TASTED BACON??????? I rest my case!
- I will participate in the Hanukkah celebration…let’s face it…any chance to get more gifts is A-OK in my book. And if you can do it by CANDLE-LIGHT? Uh – yeah…NUFF SAID!
- Then there’s the whole “Jew’s are good with money” thing. Even though I’m not OFFICIALLY Jewish…being an honorary Jew and lifting that kind of hope up to the Jew Gods is something I’m totally willing to do. I should really read up on this form of belief system…I’m hopelessly ignorant to it – feel free to educate me, that is, if you haven’t already gotten a Rabbi to completely burn your computer monitor because I’m blasphemous. I assure you, it’s not my intention…and BESIDES! Someone who ISN’T Jewish, helping out a REAL Jew with her Sukkah has GOT to count for something, right? I thought so too…
- Jewish Guilt. Welp. NOW WE’RE TALKIN!!! I’ve got this DOWN! No problemo! In fact the amount of GUILT that I have all welled up and pushed into the furthest recesses of my inner core and subconscious could make me probably full blooded Jewish…probably.
- That whole thing about Jews love the Jewelery…and own Jewelery stores. I think they might do that just because there aren’t a whole lot of English language words that contain the word “Jew” in them, so they practically HAD to take over that whole industry and quite frankly, who can blame them? Not me!
So there you have it. I know you’re probably jealous of me right now…and to be honest, if I were on the outside (you) looking in (me) I’d feel mighty left out too. Luckily, I don’t have to worry about that, because I’m an Honorary Jew…and you aren’t. Sucks to be you…
* Sukkah – It’s basically a little out-building that the Jew’s spend time in eating, praying and loving. (No, it’s not based loosely on the current popular novel or the movie starring Julia Roberts. Yeesh…c’mon people!) Here’s what Wikipedia says about “Sukkah” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sukkah
Carm's BLOG 
Stingy Commenters – WTF?
September 17, 2010 at 3:38 pm (Entertainment, Humor, Random) (BLOG, comments, Friends, Funny, humor, Laugh, New BLOG, Random, Sarcasm, Silly)
What gives, people? I mean, whenever I visit a Blogger’s writing, I always leave a comment. ALWAYS. In fact, there has never been a time that I didn’t either “like” a post or comment on it. NEVER.
Yet, here I sit…several views per day. Several blog posts submitted, yet only ONE comment, and I think it’s because I generated interest by leaving a comment on another bloggers post.
Some may feel that I’m whining. It’s not that at all…I know several others get discouraged when there isn’t traffic or proof of traffic on their blogs.
So do you realize what your comments mean to those of us who participate and want to belong to a BLOG community? Here’s what I feel receiving comments does for a committed BLOGGER:
So you see…it’s not just to toot ones horn, but it gives a sense of community when you are generous with your comments. You never know…maybe the next time you leave a comment on someone’s blog – they will turn into a lifelong friend. How many opportunities have you missed by reading but not commenting?
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