When BLOGGERS unite!

January 29, 2011 at 7:13 pm (Entertainment, Humor, Random) (, , , , , , , , , , , )

Okay – HOLY CRAP! Where do I start? Probably the texting…ever since her plane touched down – and let’s face it – probably even before that, I sent a text saying “ARE YOU IN MY STATE YET?!?!?!?” And about 6 hours later, she said, “NOW I AM!” So…that was Wednesday.

Thursday rolls around and Hannah and Guy decide they want to get their TOURIST ON in BC Canada! All the while I’m thinking to myself,

“*Gulp* I sure hope they don’t get stuck at the border, because THIS chick is gonna start WWIII if my NANNER GETS STUCK AT CUSTOMS!!!! I ain’t messin AROUND here PEOPLE!”

The texting ranges from me telling her not to eat the lame Canadian M&M’s to her asking if Oreo’s are different in Canada. Obviously, we have our priorities. Fun Fact: Canadian M&M’s aren’t called M&M’s – they are called SMARTIES! Which doesn’t make much sense, because there is already a candy called SMARTIES and they AIN’T CHOCOLATE!

There was one moment when you know…you’re thinking that this just isn’t going to happen simply because it’s YOU and that’s your DUMB LUCK – well that moment happened to me around 4:57pm on Thursday:

Me: You weren’t hit by a car at Pike Place Market today, were you?

Hannah: No, should I have?

Me: uh…NOOOOOOO!!! Just checkin!! Freak me out!!!

With the hilly terrain of Seattle, most people don’t realize that if you have shitty brakes, you may as well stay home and someone didn’t realize that on Thursday. Turns out the brakes gave out and smashed into some pedestrians and severely damaged them and well…let’s just say that I’m overjoyed it wasn’t MY Hannah and Guy and that I’m sorry for the people who were injured.

CRISIS AVERTED!!!!

Then FRIDAY gets here and you know, this is the BIG DAY! I started the textravaganza with “Holy Shit! It’s HUG A BANANA DAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” She’s coming….TODAY!!!! I had been feverishly getting the house as spic-n-span as I can get it for a few days and it looks like Christmas THREW UP IN MY HOUSE because we have so many decorations everywhere the eye can see. As I finish what has GOT to be the longest day on record ever since the inception of CLOCKS…4:30 finally got here and I left a dust trail from my office door to my car that followed me all the way home – ala Road Runner. I knew there was stuff that still needed to happen at home as far as cleaning was concerned and I wasn’t about to have Hannah and Guy step into my gross house!

With the help of my loving husband and two extremely well-behaved children, we were able to make the house sparkle. And then the waiting began. The text I got before I left work said, “OK. My cousin is in Seattle from 4-5, so then we leave and come straight to y’all. YAYYY!!!!!”

Then it happened, y’all! My daughters were sitting at the dining room table and said, “Mom – someone just waved at us!” AND. THEN. I. FREAKED. OUT!!!!!!!! I ran to the door and flung it open and then we ran into each other and hugged and hugged. Screaming commenced and then there were several YAY’S and lots more hugging and giggling and introductions. And let me tell you people something…I DIDN’T EVER THINK THIS WAS GONNA HAPPEN!!!!! I mean…I just have a doomed outlook or something or a “too good to be true” view on the world.  I just knew something was gonna make it not happen. BUT I WAS WRONG!!!!!

We had Daqueri’s and beer and we bought Guy some Mike’s Hard Lemonade because Hannah told us he loves that shizz. And my hubs was in the kitch making Pizza so that we could all visit. So we ate some yummy pizza and then I whipped out the OREO’S and some big glasses of MILK!!!!! And we ate an entire package of Oreo’s!!!! Those were probably the best tasting Oreo’s I had ever had in my life. Not so sure if it was the Oreo’s themselves, or the company…but I’m gonna put all my money on the latter.

THEEEEENNNNN it was Saturday and we were waking up and hanging out and talkin and my 9 year old made muffins for our distinguished guests. And my dog got them all hairy…especially after Hannah laid on the living room/dining room floor for a snuggle with her and when she got up she said it was cat hair and I was all…UH…NO IT ISN’T!!!! And then I molested her a little as I was brushing all the dog hair (cat hair – yeah RIGHT) off of her.

We decided we had better get all ready to go meet up with Kate and Annie at a little burger joint about 20-25 minutes from our house and that’s when we took this:

The FOUR amigos!!

Of course Annie handed her camera to my daughter who is 9 years old and who wanted to assert her artistic side…which gifted us THIS lovely picture:

Carm and Annie! I love this one!!

And then here are a few more – you can almost hear the laughter, can’t you?

We had a wonderful time together. Lunch with all our favorite Bloggers pretty much was the cherry on top of our entire two days of awesomeness.

I can’t wait to visit DC someday and see where Hannah and Guy live!! It’s going to be EPIC!!!!!

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NaNoWriMo – 2nd attempt!

October 20, 2010 at 3:59 pm (Career, Co-Workers, Entertainment, Humor, Kids, Music, Politics, Random, Rants, Uncategorized, Work) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )


Have you heard of NaNoWriMo?

November is the month to write a novel!!!! The goal of NaNoWriMo is to get as many people as we can muster to write a Novel in 30 days. A novel consists of 50,000 words. That equates to 1666.67 words written each day for 30 days.

This will be my 2nd attempt, although last year I think I stopped at one paragraph…this year I have something very inspiring to write about…and some may not think that I will be able to write an ENTIRE book about being bitchy, but I assure you…I have enough inspiration around me to last an entire Harry Potter-esque series…so thanks to a friend of mine for giving me the ammo to approach this goal again…I will attempt it. GOD HELP ME, I’ll ATTEMPT IT!

The support that flows through NaNoWriMo’s website it really wonderful…although it didn’t give me the kick in the ass that I needed last year to finish what I started! I don’t blame it on anyone but myself! I’m not a damn novelist! I like to BLOG about nonsense and mayhem and pissyness!!! I don’t care. This year…I’m sassy enough, bitchy enough and GODDAMMIT, people piss me off!

I hope you give it a shot. If you do, please let me know and I’ll be-friend you there and we’ll get this show on the road – TOGETHER! Yessirreebob!

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Everyone has ONE good puke story…

September 22, 2010 at 4:38 pm (Humor, Random) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Okay…maybe it’s just me…but here it is for the entire Blogosphere to read!

So I have these gay neighbors. Totally skyrocketed the house values on my block when they moved in. SERIOUSLY! I adore them. We get invited to their two biggest parties every year: The Summer Party and The Christmas Party. Oh the fun and mayhem that transpires at these parties. Where to begin?

First of all…the bar. They have a FULL BAR in the basement – our neighborhood is filled with homes from the 1920’s. Super adorable, oodles of charm and STEEP STAIRCASES! And yet…the bar? DOWNSTAIRS. I lovingly refer to our neighbors as “Gay-bors”…and in turn, they refer to us as the “Straight-bors”. Turn about is fair play, I suppose.

These parties are filled with screaming queens…and some very wealthy people, I might add. So much laughter and love and good times, I can’t even express all the things that happen, however there are a few firsts that have happened to me at these parties.

  1. I have been known to remove my bra. But I did it in that “stealth” way that us girls do, without actually taking off our shirts? yeah…if you’re a dude and you’re reading this? Next time you’re in a situation where a chick is comfortable enough with you to remove her bra without taking off her shirt? Ask her to do it. You’ll be amazed. Trust!
  2. My very first time getting drunk – at age 35 – was at the Gaybors Christmas party.
  3. Kissing other men. Yep – no safer a place to kiss another man than at a gay party. They don’t want me like that, but they like to lock lips with big chested women, so who am I to turn them down?
  4. I puked. BAD. But it was Donavon’s fault. So I blame him…and I’ll explain why.

So this Christmas Party was about 4-5 years ago. The cocktail of the evening was Vodka-Cran – uh Vodka with Cranberry Juice. I’m not naturally a drinker, so I think there’s another name for this too…if you know it…please enlighten my readers, will you? Thanks.

So Donavon asks me if I want something to drink. I’m all…SURE! He takes my hand and takes me to the basement and pours me a drink. Well, there’s a couple things you should know about the Gay’s when you attend their parties.

  1. They make a stiff drink.
  2. They are extremely generous.
  3. They make a stiff drink.
  4. They don’t like the sound of ice clinking in an empty glass.
  5. They make a stiff drink.
  6. They do not like it when your husband tells them after your fifth drink that we need to “cut her off” or “she’s had enough”. You will be enlightened with a level of bitchiness that even a woman does not possess. TRUTH!

So…we mingle, catch up with the many people who have become our friends at this point, because we make it to both of these parties every year and well…let’s face it…you have a set of straight white teeth and a large ample chest, and the gay men just want to be near you so they can kiss you, play with your hair and feel your boobs all night long. I’ve never met a more loving group of people. I’m sure it’s because Scott and Donavon are such awesome people and they attract the same in their friends, but seriously. For people we only get to see twice a year and perhaps a few visits and waves when they visit the Gaybors, we’ve never been invited to so many gatherings, or to vacation homes…it’s just awesome.

So about 5 drinks in, I made the mistake of letting the ice clink in the bottom of my glass while Donavon was right next to me. His ears perked up and he honed in on me like he was on a MISSION! We were in the basement, I believe at that point. Anyway…he’s all, “Honey…you need another drink.” And my husband said, “No, she’s good. We’re gonna get ready to go.”

All i remember is that I heard Donavon put my husband in his place – it went something like:

This is MY HOUSE! Don’t you tell ME when she’s had enough to drink! You just take your happy little cute ass upstairs and I’ll take care of mah GIRL!

Well then…he tried to take me away before Donavon could get me another glass full of VODKA, and the strangest thing happened. That glass seemed to float through the air and land in my hand as my husband had my other hand leading me up the stairs and he had his back to me…there were, I’d guess, about 15 stairs to climb. And here’s the scary part. The glass was empty by the time we got to the top. Yeah. I guzzled that shit.

So I sorta remember showing off about taking my bra off without actually taking my shirt off, then someone ran off with my bra. Then…I sorta remember sitting in one of their chairs in their formal living room. And then, I remember opening my eyes, after what I can only imagine that I had dozed off/passed out. Opened my eyes, opened my mouth, and PUKED all over the living room. A. LOT.

Some might be embarrassed. Not me. Let’s just say, if you gotta puke after drinking too much? Do it in a house full of gay men. Seriously. It makes them love you MORE! I wouldn’t say that I felt embarrassed so much as I felt bad that I puked all over their designer rugs and furniture. Someone was nice enough to hand me a towel…and there was a “clean up patrol” dispatched…I guess they expect this sort of thing to happen all the time! No less than a dozen people told me not to worry about it. Little did they know that I was so proud of myself.

Let me explain. I had never been drunk before. EVER. At age 35 this was the first time EVER. I was also on a medication that I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol while on, but I had never been much of a drinker, so I completely forgot about that…I just felt so proud that I had finally experienced the fact that I had gotten drunk! It was a milestone!!!!

So the carpet came out clean as a whistle, needless to say that I gave those parties something to talk about for many years to come and I was outdone the very next year because someone tripped going UP their front stairs while they were drunk and bashed their head on the cement and the ambulance had to come. So…we bonded over that.

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Stingy Commenters – WTF?

September 17, 2010 at 3:38 pm (Entertainment, Humor, Random) (, , , , , , , , , )

Have you ever posted what you thought was the BE ALL and END ALL of AWESOME BLOG posts, only to have it up for a few days and realize that although you are getting traffic to your blog, you aren’t receiving any comments?

What gives, people? I mean, whenever I visit a Blogger’s writing, I always leave a comment. ALWAYS. In fact, there has never been a time that I didn’t either “like” a post or comment on it. NEVER.

Yet, here I sit…several views per day. Several blog posts submitted, yet only ONE comment, and I think it’s because I generated interest by leaving a comment on another bloggers post.

Some may feel that I’m whining. It’s not that at all…I know several others get discouraged when there isn’t traffic or proof of traffic on their blogs.

So do you realize what your comments mean to those of us who participate and want to belong to a BLOG community? Here’s what I feel receiving comments does for a committed BLOGGER:

  • Validates their feelings/views
  • Opens their eyes to new perspectives
  • Confidence booster
  • Honest feedback from the general population
  • New Friendships
  • Exposure
  • Comic relief
  • many many more…

So you see…it’s not just to toot ones horn, but it gives a sense of community when you are generous with your comments. You never know…maybe the next time you leave a comment on someone’s blog – they will turn into a lifelong friend. How many opportunities have you missed by reading but not commenting?

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My Friend Wish-List

September 17, 2010 at 10:09 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

So my all-time wish is to be Will Smith’s friend. Please understand..it’s not because he’s “hot” (thanks Paris for that little slang term)…it not because he is, as we call it in our house “L-O-D-I-D”. I’m not in it for the fortune or fame…I just think he is a COOL DUDE!  Look at him…he’s all “Wassup Carm-dogg?!?” I’m all, “SUP WILL SMIFFFF!!!” He loves his wife, he’s silly like me and he can DUMB-DANCE like a MO-FO!

Oh, I’m not done…my list goes on…

Oprah. She would enrich my life. She’s a lovely woman who I could just really feel that I could make laugh. I don’t know…I think she’d get a kick out of me. Does that sound conceited? I hope not.

The Obama’s. I want to be their friend. I know – that is too much to ask. WAAAY too much. I just get so warm and fuzzy when I see them that I just want more – not in a stalker kind of way…in an, “I want them to come over for dinner once-a-month” kind of way. Wow…look that them. She’s waving at me, I think.

Vince Gill. The dude is a teddy bear and I love him. He’s got one of the most beautiful voices of all time and can play the guitar like nobody’s business. I’d love to sing harmony with him. While I’m at it, his wife, Amy Grant and I could go shopping a few times a month and just chit-chat about silly things. I think that would be awesome.

Alisson Krauss. I want to sing with her. I have a decent singing voice and had I not fallen for my high-school love and gotten hitched at the ripe old age of 19 I would have persued a singing career. I would love her to invite me to a recording session and watch the silliness unfold and close my eyes and listen to her sweet, sweet voice as it fills me with pure joy. Pretty thing that she is!

Simon Cowell. I think he’s not as bad as they say he is and I would enjoy being with him without all the cameras around to see what he’s really like. Look at that smile…he can’t be all bad, right?!?! hehehe

Africa. I want Africa to be my friend. It’s true. Is that even possible? Whenever I hear of my friends going on missionary trips to Africa…I get all goosebumpy and immediately start to tear up. Perhaps if Oprah decides that she would be my friend, she’d let me work at her school. I would enjoy that. There is something to be said for a culture who looks so happy when they have so little. I may never want to come back if I ever get a chance to visit there. Look at those faces. I could just smooch them all over!!!

Michael Buble. His voice melts me. It’s got nothing to do with his boyish charm or anything…I just wanna hang with him. It’d be awesome to sing with him as well. He just oozes coolness and I suppose that I just want some of that to brush off on me.

I think he’s laughing at a joke I just told him…he’s all, “Carm…that was a HORRIBLE joke!”…I’m all, “I know, Mike…just thought it would make a good reaction shot…”

Ashton & Demi – look at em. I wanna be their friend! Who’dda thunk it? Not me! Probably not them, but I’m oooooh so happy for them! And I think Demi just took a picture of me! Hey Ashton – You guys are cute! No, that’s okay…I’ll stay over here! Catch’ya later!

That’s it for now – it took me forever to post all those pictures…it’s almost dinnertime!! LOL I love you – I really do…you can ask ANYONE! ~ Carm

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A Road Trip to Remember

September 3, 2010 at 11:13 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

We had a great time! Tammy and I got an early start on Thursday because she left work earlier than she expected to, so we were on the road a little before 6 PM. We started the trip with The Dixie Chicks in the CD player. We were so excited! We had SNACKS! We had MUSIC! We had the anticipation of an AWESOME TRIP!

By 10:30 we were eating dinner in Eugene, OR. I HAD MY FIRST PEPSI IN 6 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!! It was more delicious than I remembered. This was my weekend to treat myself. We also hadta gas up and eat and decide if we felt like pushing ourselves or settling in for the night. We grabbed one of those rinky-dink hotel coupon books they have sitting in the cardboard stands near the newspapers – called a hotel that was about 2 1/2 hours MORE south than Eugene and decided that MEDFORD, OR would be where we spent the night. We got about 4 hours of sleep and hit the road again.

As we were driving through the dark of night…speeding WAAAAY too fast, we noticed something that we thought was going to be the GREATEST SIGN OF ALL TIME THAT WE WERE GOING TO WIN MONEY!!!! Can you see that? I was going 77 miles an hour and my mileage on my new car hit 7777!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT! Also…it was 11:49 pm. We were basically giddy anyway. It didn’t take much to put us over the edge.

For those of you that don’t know…I enjoy writing on the windows of my vehicles when I take a road trip. This one was no exception!

The only problem was, it was raining the entire time we were driving on Thursday, so I brought my MEGA CRAYOLA WINDOW MARKERS with us in the hopes that when we woke up in Southern Oregon, the weather would have taken a turn for the better.

We woke up the next morning – well, TAMMY woke up…I didn’t seem to sleep at all. I’m like a little kid sometimes! We got up, dressed, primped and packed and in about an hour we were off again! Well, lucky for us…IT STOPPED RAINING!!!!! While Tammy was hitting the office to take advantage of whatever rinky-dink continental breakfast they offered, I was busy with my markers. Above the squiggly yellow line it says, “HELLO GORGEOUS!!” Among other things, we had a Follow Us on Twitter message, a WILL WAVE FOR HONKS message, BUCKLE UP, WE LOVE YOU message…and a few silly others.

Here we are…getting ready for another ass-numbing ride in the car…this time, we aren’t pulling off the road till we’re there! COME HELL OR HIGH WATER!!!!!!!!

We jumped in the car and AWAAAAAAAAAYYYY We GO!!

After hitting the road, I quickly realized that I didn’t quite exactly review the directions before we left the hotel parking lot, and well……I got on I-5…heading south….and uh….I should have headed north about 3 measly exits. I wanted to fill up with gas, and there was an exit ahead about 2 miles, so we just continued on. Once we got there and filled the tank, I kinda sorta forgot to look at them AGAIN, and continued south…*shrugs* Who cares?!? I actually printed out TWO versions of directions…the short way and the longer more SCENIC route, in case Tammy wanted to see Mt. Shasta on the way there. So, basically, I gave her no choice. It only added another HOUR to the trip…and if we hadn’t taken the detour, we would never have gotten the awesome pictures that she took…so it was meant to be!

South to Redding, California it was! Tammy had never been much south of the Oregon/California border, so she was squealing pretty much the entire time…which…was fun/annoying, but then again, I can be pretty annoying too, what with being able to sing just about any song that comes on the radio/CD. Some of the stuff I was signing I haven’t heard in 25 years. I must be like a Musical Rainman or something because I was even impressing MYSELF!

So, let’s fast forward to when we hit Redding, California! All of a sudden Tammy got really doubtful of my navigational capabilities. And she has this cell phone, powered by Sprint – which gets no EFFING signal 99% of the time, and she whips it out and decides she’s gonna pull up the GPS. And it’s telling us we’re off course and telling us to get back on the freeway, and I’m all, “Dude, the stuff I printed out say to head through Redding and then we’ll get on a highway that heads EAST. We gotta head East at SOME POINT…” and she was all, “It doesn’t LOOK RIGHT!” and I was all…”Let’s just SEE where it takes us, because I’m fairly certain if we continue going SOUTH we’ll end up in MEXICO, and there aren’t any CASINO’S down there and I’m getting the CRAZY EYE!!!!!!!!!!!!” So, we went on our merry little way. We see the turn off that says Highway 44 East. SUH-WEET! IN YO’ FACE HOLMES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did a little happy dance/I told you so dance, and then she had to pee. PERFECT! *rolls eyes*

I can hold it for HOURS! I’m like a fricken CAMEL…Tammy on the other hand has a bladder the size of a thimble and she takes one sip of water and WHAMMO!!! She’s all, “GIRRRRRRRRLLLLLLL! I gots ta PEE!!!!!!!” So we stop at the next rest stop, do our THANG, hope back in the car and get gas at the next gas station we see, and head up and over the “Siskyou” mountain range. Very pretty…very road constructiony….very…uh…ROAD KILLY!!!

So we’re driving up and over the mountains and we’re jammin to some Dixie Chicks travelling at about 77 miles an hour still because I decided that was the lucky speed to be traveling and……and this squirrel the size of a Wiener Dog runs into the road, stops, looks at me, does a stutter step to the left, a stutter step to the right, takes about 4 little squirrely steps………………….and………………….uh – THUNK THUNK THUNK THUD THUNK…………………..I killed that little sucker! I can’t believe it STILL! I’ve never hit ANYTHING! DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tammy threw her hands over her mouth. I threw ONE hand over my mouth! “HOLY SHIT! I JUST KILLED THAT SQUIRREL!!!!!!!!!!!” Tammy is like screaming her head off and I was all, “Holy shit! DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?!? He like ran out in the middle of the road and tried to turn back, then realized he was already too committed and turned to keep going, then turned back to look at me and then kinda decided to just go and WHAMMO!!!!!!!!”…Tammy said, “YOU MURDERER!!!!!!!!!!”….

As I sat there, still going 77, that THUNKING kinda just kept echoing in my head. I kept replaying it over and over, if there was something I could have done differently…but DUDE! I was going SEVENTY-SEVEN MILES AN HOUR! If I had jerked the steering wheel to avoid him, I could have flipped the car, FIRST OF ALL. SECONDLY, there was like a CLIFF on the right! Basically, it was HIM or ME!!!!!! And then the Elton John song ran through my head from the Lion King – The Circle of Life. And I decided that I was just helping the vultures and crows and all the other scavengers live high on the hog that day. Then I said a little prayer for the Lord not to give me back luck, because let’s face it…he created squirrels too! And it was OBVIOUS I felt really REALLY bad, except…I kinda sorta started laughing shortly after the THUNKING stopped, because…if I hadn’tve started laughing, I might have started crying…and well? Who wants to see a grown CARM cry?!? NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s all for now. More later or tomorrow. I have lots to do still. LOVE YOU!

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