Rainbows are scary…especially when they follow you home…

February 8, 2011 at 10:57 am (Entertainment, Humor, Random, Rants) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

Funny thing happened on the way home tonight. I hop onto I-5 headed south – just like every other day. The sky was full of clouds and looked to be trying to sprinkle a little. About 15 minutes into my communte, it was sprinkling at a pretty good clip.

About 5 minutes later it was a TOTAL DOWNPOUR. Windsheild wipers slappin at full speed just so that I could see the car in front of me because the lines and the little bumps were invisible underneath all the road spray from all the cars. The rain slowed down enough for me to see a definite line in the clouds…I knew if I could get to that line, that the skies looked lighter and perhaps..even get a glimpse of the sun for the first time in about 4 days. It IS Washington State, afterall. Don’t get me wrong. I LOVE WHERE I LIVE! There’s no where else I want to be. Okay..I lied. I’d like to live in Italy. And also Ireland. And probably Thailand. Okay…and a few others…maybe a couple dozen…but what I’m trying to say here¬†is, I don’t mind the weather. It gives us the most green vegitation all year round and lovely mountains and fresh water and all the fresh air a gal could ask for….I DIGRESS!

So here comes the line in the sky…here it comes…and then it happened!!!! SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And of course, it was still raining like a mofo…like it was “weird” still raining – like there were no clouds above me type-of-raining. And then I saw it…a very very vibrant rainbow…it seemed to be landing on my driver’s side, side mirror and then I of COURSE looked for the pot of gold outside my window because traffic had come to a TOTAL standstill and it was safe for me to do so..also – I had my SUNGLASSES on…so I think I would have been the only one to see that pot o’ gold if it had been there so I wouldn’t have had to SHARE it with anyone.

So there wasn’t a pot of gold. There wasn’t even a pot of anything. NOT. EVEN. SKITTLES. How lame is THAT? I KNOW!!!!

So I kept on driving as the traffic started to clear up – totally forgetting about the stupid gorgeous rainbow…when all of a sudden it caught my eye…it seemed to be now resting on the door of my car. Great. It’s obvious that this no-pot-o-gold-givin, not even SKITTLES-spewing-rainbow was following me home. I swear I drove 20 miles with this thing landing on one part of my car or the other. And then I kinda started getting skerrrd a little…I mean I couldn’t SHAKE this thing! I’d been driving since RENTON with this thing on my tail the ENTIRE TIME and it wasn’t letting go!!!! I turned corners on the freeway. NOPE! Still there! I changed lanes. NOPE! I even got OFF OF THE FREEWAY – no, not specifically to try to outrun the Rainbow from HELL, but to actually make my way to my house…and it was STILL THERE. I decided to stop acting like a crazed maniac and crank up the volume on the stereo, sing some Bon Jovi and just ignore it. LA LA Laaaaaaaa….

I get home, hop outta the car, head inside and my doggie welcomed me with a waggin’ tail and was hoppin all over the place, which means that she wants to go OUTSIDE…and I approach the back door and let her out and I look outside AND THAT SHIT WAS IN MY BACKYARD, PEOPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can’t make this shit up, ya’ll. It was really REALLY scary!¬†Usually a rainbow lasts, what? Like 5 minutes? This thing was following me for about 25 minutes!!

NEVER UNDERESTIMATE A RAINBOW! Especially the stalker kind.

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The Coolness Factor

January 6, 2011 at 10:43 am (Random, Rants) (, , , , , , , , )

Are those women's sunglasses? UNCOOL

Let’s face it folks, some people have it…others, not so much.

Do you ever just sit back and people watch and wonder to yourself, how is it possible for someone to be so…well…NOT COOL?!?!

I face this question every day. Let me give you some examples:

Example #1: The phoney baloney relationship uncool teenage boy

Chillin’ at Oldest Daughter’s Volleyball game. Sitting just one bleacher row down from me was one of the volleyball girls and her “boyfriend”. I couldn’t help but think…was I ever that geeky looking? I mean, my husband and I met at that VERY SAME HIGH SCHOOL…I’m sure we snuggled and had our arms around each other practically the same way as those two did..but I can’t help but think we were WAAAAY cooler looking than these two. It just seemed so phony or something. Granted, a high school volleyball game probably isn’t somewhere that you would normally find a match made in heaven, but still.

So they were all hand holdy and whispery and giggly. And if I’m not mistaken this dude had on a Members Only jacket…but hey, I’m not gonna judge a book by it’s cover…BWAAAAAHAHAHAHHAHAHA! YES I AM! Who am I trying to kid? That’s TOTES what I’m gonna do! So then I looked this “dude” over a little bit and uh…dude had the total Shaun Cassidy ‘do. It was all feathery and sooohohohooooo 80’s. But you know…whatevs.

Then his little sweetie pie gets called down to the court to help the varsity girls warm up and whammo…he starts texting on his cell like the second her last foot hit the hardwood floor. Which kinda cracked me up…and added some weight to the whole “phoney baloney” story I had made up in my mind.

Here’s one that hits really close to home – along the same topic:

My oldest daughter is 14. This summer she just discovered BOYS! *slaps forehead*

It was bound to happen sooner than later. I realize this. I just had hoped that it wouldn’t kick in for ONE MORE YEAR!

This summer there was a neighbor boy who was visiting his Dad up the road for the summer, and well, the family is less than desirable…but I kept my cool. I let things progress naturally until one day the kid was in my house and even though my huz was home at the time, he didn’t know this kid was hanging out in the living room and kitchen until he hopped out of the shower…luckily he had a towel on and all that, but STILL! WTF?!?!?!?

So oldest was showing off and flirting and all that crap when I got home. The reception that I got was full of HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP, people!! It was soooooo Eddie Haskel it’s not even FUNNY! Full of “Gosh” and “WOW!” and “Yes Ma’am”. Meanwhile this kids dad is up the street head shaved, tatted out and smoking 2 packs a day right out in the front yard. OF ALL THE DAMN KIDS ON THE BLOCK, she picked the HILLBILLIEST of them ALL and we are basically having a HEART ATTACK! It’s like the only house on our block that is lame and white trashy…

So what we have here is someone who isn’t quite able to pull off the “cool” card and another who is trying to over use it. Where’s the balance?

Example #2: Co-worker – yeah, Ms. Sneezing all over my office without covering her pie/sneeze hole…she’s showing up in THIS blog post too…thought we were done with her, didn’tchya? NOPE!

Some one who is so unable to adjust her normal routine that it just about puts her into a tailspin when she has to do something out of the ordinary. Someone who is wired to JUMP the second the mailman gets here and shuffles through the company mail to only micro-milliseconds later walk past my desk and say something like, “There were no checks in the mail today – only bills.” or “There are 3 checks in the mail.”…uh…THANKS FOR THE HEADS UP NIMROD! Almost like, if she’s the first to notice something or find something out she’s gotta brag all about it and be all SHARE-Y. Welp…I process the mail everyday…I’m gonna see that shit. It’s not a newsflash worthy event and it doesn’t increase your street cred. It’s the mail. Thank you very much.

So in closing, I think that it’s important to KNOW your COOLNESS FACTOR. Either you have it or you don’t. That’s not to say there aren’t varying degrees of Coolness, but you need to get a grip on where you fall in the pie chart of cool and try not to stray outside those lines. The result may be a BLOG post…about you. Peace out, homies. SKIDOOOOOOOSH!

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NaNoWriMo – 2nd attempt!

October 20, 2010 at 3:59 pm (Career, Co-Workers, Entertainment, Humor, Kids, Music, Politics, Random, Rants, Uncategorized, Work) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Have you heard of NaNoWriMo?

November is the month to write a novel!!!! The goal of NaNoWriMo is to get as many people as we can muster to write a Novel in 30 days. A novel consists of 50,000 words. That equates to 1666.67 words written each day for 30 days.

This will be my 2nd attempt, although last year I think I stopped at one paragraph…this year I have something very inspiring to write about…and some may not think that I will be able to write an ENTIRE book about being bitchy, but I assure you…I have enough inspiration around me to last an entire Harry Potter-esque series…so thanks to a friend of mine for giving me the ammo to approach this goal again…I will attempt it. GOD HELP ME, I’ll ATTEMPT IT!

The support that flows through NaNoWriMo’s website it really wonderful…although it didn’t give me the kick in the ass that I needed last year to finish what I started! I don’t blame it on anyone but myself! I’m not a damn novelist! I like to BLOG about nonsense and mayhem and pissyness!!! I don’t care. This year…I’m sassy enough, bitchy enough and GODDAMMIT, people piss me off!

I hope you give it a shot. If you do, please let me know and I’ll be-friend you there and we’ll get this show on the road – TOGETHER! Yessirreebob!

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Rantings about Co-Workers

September 28, 2010 at 11:14 am (Career, Co-Workers, Entertainment, Humor, Random, Rants, Uncategorized, Work) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Much like this baby...I'm annoyed.

Here we go…firstly…none of these morons know that I have a blog. SO….I’m going to speak FREELY. And for those of you who feel I’m being judgmental. Yes. I am. I’m in a mood today, so either quit reading now before your vision of me is clouded with “Wow! I didn’t know Carm could be such a BIATCH!” I assure you…I can…and while these people around me on a daily basis are getting on my LAST DAMN NERVE…I *do* still love them…somewhere in the deep recesses of the very fiber of my being, although today…I’d be hard pressed to find where those recesses are. Just be prepared for some profanity laced rants. You have been warned.

AAAAAAND we’re off!

Finger nail clipping. Really? Do you HONESTLY need to do that at work? There is something just INCREDIBLY GROTESQUE about doing this grooming exercise at work. It makes the hair on my neck stand up.

Sneezing without covering your mouth. Not only have I expressed my displeasure at this practice POINTEDLY with this person, but so have my parents – who own this company and sign her checks. She refuses. Would you like to hear what she actually said to me once when I asked her not to sneeze into my office without covering her mouth? Are you sitting down?

I’m not sick.

3 words that turned me into a raving BITCH ON WHEELS! YOU’RE NOT SICK? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?!?!?!?! Let’s turn to our favorite Mythbusters, shall we? The science of a sneeze. Yes, you need to sit through a stupid commercial, but it’s totally worth it and you will thank me for enlightening you.

THIS…is why I got in her shit. I don’t give a rats ass if you aren’t sick. You are sneezing TOWARDS MY OFFICE. It’s like you are spitting in my FACE!!!!!!! She even turns her HEAD in my direction. I think I’m going to vomit. And being the “kind” person that I am…it KILLS me to say “Bless You” when she sneezes, because I’d rather punch her in the throat, but I say it…yeah…I say it.

THIS JUST HAPPENED: The phone rang. Normally I don’t answer on the first ring, we have someone here to answers the phone, but if it rings more than once, I’m ON IT. So the phone rings…once…twice…AAALLLMOST 3 times, but I pick it up before it actually rings the third time. Then, Ms. Sneezy Face walks by my office and was all, “Did the phone ring?”……………..Yeah…it did. WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!?!? Like I would be answering the phone without it ringing? Questions to answers that you already know the answer to annoy the hell out of me. This seems to be the practice of most busy-bodies that I know. They have to be in on everything and if they ask questions that CLEARLY the answer has just played out in front of them does a couple things…it 1.) Re-affirms that this person is indeed all up in EVERYBODY’s business…and 2.) Enforces it to everyone around them that not much gets by them because they are sooooo on top of everything.

I.T. guys in GENERAL drive me insane, but the one we have here seems to me that he’s either got some major OCD issues or he’s slightly Autistic. Far be it from me to poke fun at Autism, but when it’s in the form of a kid in his low 30’s who still acts like he’s 17, what with the video gaming, quad riding, obnoxious fascination with WWF…and his tendency to ramble on and on and on while standing in my office about things that I don’t solicit knowing ANY detail about…just completely and totally gets on my nerves. Why do I need to know about something that was shipped to our office, that you didn’t fill out a purchase request for, because it was an automatic update and has no impact on anyone but HIM? It’s like on a daily basis he wastes a FULL HOUR of my time with interruptions like these. I’ll be honest…it makes me want to drink…or smoke crack. I haven’t decided yet.

The office “Know-it-all”. Someone who works for MY PARENTS, continually thinks that he knows more about their quirks than I do. Trying to hold a conversation with this person is pointless. He “one-up’s” EVERYTHING! We shared a lunch hour ONCE. Yes…just the ONE TIME, before I asked to take another lunch hour. I had decided that I’d spend the entire hour talking about various topics in front of him, just to see if/how he could share with us AAAALLLLLL how he had been there done that. I had a friend of mine with me for that hour. What transpired was simply….magical. It gave us enough material on this guy to last for YEARS! We *still* talk about that day. And it’s 5 years later. You talk about something you cooked for dinner, he’d tell you how to make it BETTER. You talk about how you pulled weeds in the backyard, he’s got a tool or a chemical that ERADICATES weeds forEVER! NEVER AGAIN will you have to bend over and pull another weed! We talked about giving birth…somehow, he found a way to worm his way into that too. Apparently NOTHING is sacred to this guy. But it was fun going in to see how many times, he’d jump in – it’s when you aren’t wanting him to, when it gets really hard to maintain any sense of sanity.

Do you need to HUM ALL DAY LONG? Right outside my door sits the nail clipping, no-sneeze covering, HUMMER. It happens ALL. DAY. LONG. I have to turn my stereo on pretty loud to drown her out. Sometimes she’ll come in my office, sit down and just want to shoot the shit and while I’m working…she hums. My skin crawls.

How about this one? Ever have someone…say a parent or a sibling, that seems a little dopey or A.D.D.? Try having a mother and a brother that both work with you and trying to hold a serious detailed conversation and something shiny floats by and all of a sudden you have to repeat EVERYTHING you just said because they got distracted. I literally have to ask then twice while I’m in mid conversation if they are paying attention.

Oh…this is just the tip of the iceberg, people. But I’m getting a bit edgy so I should probably stop.

Thanks for reading. Feel free to share your workplace or homefront frustrations. I’d really like to know I’m not alone here.


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