Honorary Jew Status

September 8, 2010 at 2:32 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

About a year ago, I was bestowed a great honor by one of my most potty-mouthiest of friends. It’s been about a year so I guess you could call it my “Jewversary”. She couldn’t find all the pieces at her local (Silver Spring, Maryland) Home Depot, for her Sukkah(*see below) project. On my birthday, I decided to hook her up because – as it turns out – I am a previous hardware store worker and knew EXACTLY everything she needed to complete her project! Anyway – Hannah decided to get out her golden menorah and bestow on me the most wonderfully unofficial title I’ve ever carried: Honorary Jew.

There are a lot of questions I had when I was first given this status – many of them I needed to ask about, some of which I drew the line on, and some – I found out – I already possessed! Here’s what being an “Honorary Jew” means to me:

  • First of all I had to make it CLEAR to Hannah that I would not – under ANY circumstances – alter my diet WHATSOEVER! I mean…a life without pork? SERIOUSLY? You might as well kill me NOW! Have you TASTED BACON??????? I rest my case!
  • I will participate in the Hanukkah celebration…let’s face it…any chance to get more gifts is A-OK in my book. And if you can do it by CANDLE-LIGHT? Uh – yeah…NUFF SAID!
  • Then there’s the whole “Jew’s are good with money” thing. Even though I’m not OFFICIALLY Jewish…being an honorary Jew and lifting that kind of hope up to the Jew Gods is something I’m totally willing to do. I should really read up on this form of belief system…I’m hopelessly ignorant to it – feel free to educate me, that is, if you haven’t already gotten a Rabbi to completely burn your computer monitor because I’m blasphemous. I assure you, it’s not my intention…and BESIDES! Someone who ISN’T Jewish, helping out a REAL Jew with her Sukkah has GOT to count for something, right? I thought so too…
  • Jewish Guilt. Welp. NOW WE’RE TALKIN!!! I’ve got this DOWN! No problemo! In fact the amount of GUILT that I have all welled up and pushed into the furthest recesses of my inner core and subconscious could make me probably full blooded Jewish…probably.
  • That whole thing about Jews love the Jewelery…and own Jewelery stores. I think they might do that just because there aren’t a whole lot of English language words that contain the word “Jew” in them, so they practically HAD to take over that whole industry and quite frankly, who can blame them? Not me!

So there you have it. I know you’re probably jealous of me right now…and to be honest, if I were on the outside (you) looking in (me) I’d feel mighty left out too. Luckily, I don’t have to worry about that, because I’m an Honorary Jew…and you aren’t. Sucks to be you…

* Sukkah – It’s basically a little out-building that the Jew’s spend time in eating, praying and loving. (No, it’s not based loosely on the current popular novel or the movie starring Julia Roberts. Yeesh…c’mon people!) Here’s what Wikipedia says about “Sukkah” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sukkah

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2 Comments

  1. HBananaEsq. said,

    A) You have ANOTHER blog?!?!?! HOLY CRAP!! How can one small banana keep up with ALL this awesomeness?!?!?!
    B) You are TOTALLY an honorary Jew! To be fair though, it’s not really all that hard a status to obtain. We kinda rub off on people.
    C) I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE YOUUUUUUUUUUU!!!! Also, the hubs is doing the sukkah this year. WOOT! No last minute calls from me going, “HOW THE HELL DO I FIND A 3-WAY JOINT?!?!?!”

  2. Carm said,

    A.) YUP!!! And lol.
    B.) DAMMIT HANNAH! I thought I was special. And I DON’T mean in a “short bus” kinda way…however…it’s an honor nonetheless and one that I will display with much enthusiasm this Holiday Season – now…is there a Jew store around here that sells Menorah’s? I may have to google that shizz, or have you FedEx ME something so that I can get off on the right foot……..I’ll keep you posted.
    C.) I LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE you too!!! And if Guy needs any help…be sure to call me – if I can’t have a Sukkah of my own, then the least I can do is help mah Jew Fam with some parts or some such nonsense. 🙂

    YAY! Thanks for reading!!!!

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