Do NOT attempt to play Volleyball IF:

September 7, 2010 at 3:00 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

This Labor Day weekend, we joined our newly married cousin and her new husbands family for a potluck picnic. The cool part? She married into a Samoan family and I have never met a more loving more welcoming family in my life! Not just a few of them…but THE WHOLE DANG FAMILY! So awesome – and I realized that I was probably Samoan in one of my previous lives because; A.) They love meat/I love meat. B.) They love to EAT..A LOT/I love to eat – A LOT! C.) They are musical and fun-loving people……and yep……you guessed it/I AM THE SAME WAY! YAY!

So – one of the first things we did was play Volleyball. Let me just recap to you my body image…I’m NOT a fit person. I have lots o’ junk in my trunk. Sooooo…this means that I don’t really get up and MOVE a whole helluva lot. And well, this past Sunday was an exception. I sorta forgot about an old Relay for Life Car Wash Injury I sustained about 8-9 years ago…and it decided to rear it’s ugly head yesterday – after I slept on it all weird.

So here’s my list. Do not attempt to play Volleyball if:

  1. You are wearing JEANS. Tummy pinching jeans. Bleh
  2. You have fake nails. Cute nails + bump + set + spike = OUCH and MANICURE DO-OVER!
  3. Thinking you can get away with sliding  your eyeglasses down the opening of your cute tank top. They fall out + they can cause issues if you have fake BOOBS, what with all the jumping and all that you’ll be doing. Plus: I may or may NOT have stepped on them in the sand…
  4. If you are almost 40 and have led a fairly sedentary life, do us all a favor – stretch a little. Seriously.
  5. Any arm, shoulder, elbow or wrist injuries you may have forgotten about will come back to haunt you the next day.
  6. You do NOT have ice packs and/or heating pads in your house.
  7. You do NOT have a stockpile of ibuprofen.
  8. Just because you ACT like you’re 20 and your CHRONOLOGICAL age is pushing 40…doesn’t mean your BODY will heal like a 20 year old. Stop kidding yourself…you’re almost 40…knock it off.
  9. You have an affinity to using the F-bomb when you’re surrounded by bible thumping Christians. (Side note: I love Jesus as much as the next guy…but let’s face it…if God didn’t want us to use that word, then we wouldn’t be.)
  10. When playing Volleyball in the sand, make sure you know that the V-ball pits have been raked a little over the summer…slivers are NOT FUN!

And there you have it. Thank GOD my chair lowers so that I can rest my arms on the desk and not have to lift them to type! WHEW!!!!!!

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High School DRAMA

September 3, 2010 at 3:54 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Holy crap. Today was my daughter’s first day in High School. I need a drink. As I’m pouring my drink, let’s recap the summer of FOURTEEN, shall we?

First of all, she got “chummy” with her first BOY interest this summer. She, of course, picked the MOST – for lack of a better term (and also one that my favorite gay neighbor uses) – HILLBILLIEST family on the block to hang around with. It was KILLING ME!!! But trying to be the “cool mom”, I laid down the ground rules about a week into this fiasco. “Protect your virtue.”  “Tell me if anything out of line happens.”  “Keep your eye on your life goals.”  “Surround yourself with successful intelligent people and, in turn, you yourself, will become that way as well.” You know…the whole…”If you get pregnant…I’m going to KILL YOU” speech. She gets it…but she also said right afterwards…”So….can I go up the street and hang out?”……….BLARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This kid was something else, let me tell ya. Total Eddie Haskel attitude. Saw right through it – laughed about it – watched him like a hawk – wanted to kill him – resisted the urge. SUCCESS.

So, summer breezes by and hillbilly boy moves away! SUH-WEET! Dodged a bullet! AWESOME! *happy dance* Left us with 2-3 weeks of peace and joy and happiness. YIPPY!

THEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN…she joins the volleyball team and now we’re trying like hell to get the schedule all figured out. It’s a nightmare – while at the same time, trying to be “cool mom” and getting the eye roll everytime I ask a question like:

Me: So, am I picking you up after practice today?

Her: *eyeroll*

Me: DUDE! I gotta know THAT, right? I mean do you just want to walk 10 miles home or what?!?!?!

Her: psshhh…whateverrrrr, it’s like 6:30.

Me: Do you want me to pick you up or is whats-her-faces Mom or Dad gonna get you guys?

Her: Pssshhh…*eyeroll* I guess.

Me: Welp…I suppose you should get the schedule from the coaches so we know one day to the next what time practice gets out, right?

Her: OKAAAAAAAYYYYY.

Me: *in my head* FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do NOT smack this child!!!!! DO NOT DO IT!

Somehow I managed to keep what was left of my sense of humor. I’m truly being tested here, people. SERIOUSLY!

And the sad part? SCHOOL HADN’T EVEN STARTED YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good Lord and Baby Jesus help me through this to see the BIGGER PICTURE! AMEN!

So we have this…her first day…under our belt. It’s a freaking MIRACLE!

Also…I still have no idea what the schedule is for volleyball practice. I got another eyeroll just 5 minutes ago when I asked about tomorrow. Perfect. Oh damn…lookie there…my poor ice doesn’t have anything to swim around in. Gotta go! :o)

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