Stingy Commenters – WTF?

September 17, 2010 at 3:38 pm (Entertainment, Humor, Random) (, , , , , , , , , )

Have you ever posted what you thought was the BE ALL and END ALL of AWESOME BLOG posts, only to have it up for a few days and realize that although you are getting traffic to your blog, you aren’t receiving any comments?

What gives, people? I mean, whenever I visit a Blogger’s writing, I always leave a comment. ALWAYS. In fact, there has never been a time that I didn’t either “like” a post or comment on it. NEVER.

Yet, here I sit…several views per day. Several blog posts submitted, yet only ONE comment, and I think it’s because I generated interest by leaving a comment on another bloggers post.

Some may feel that I’m whining. It’s not that at all…I know several others get discouraged when there isn’t traffic or proof of traffic on their blogs.

So do you realize what your comments mean to those of us who participate and want to belong to a BLOG community? Here’s what I feel receiving comments does for a committed BLOGGER:

  • Validates their feelings/views
  • Opens their eyes to new perspectives
  • Confidence booster
  • Honest feedback from the general population
  • New Friendships
  • Exposure
  • Comic relief
  • many many more…

So you see…it’s not just to toot ones horn, but it gives a sense of community when you are generous with your comments. You never know…maybe the next time you leave a comment on someone’s blog – they will turn into a lifelong friend. How many opportunities have you missed by reading but not commenting?

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Paul Deen – you SWEET THANG!!!

September 17, 2010 at 10:28 am (Cooking, Entertainment, Food, Humor, Random, Recipes) (, , , , , , , , )

Lemony Deliciousness

LEMON BLOSSOMS!!! These are so good and wonderful for summer, I wanted you ALL to try them! People BEG me to make these! They take a while to make and I’ll give you a few helpful hints because I make these all the time and have *perfected* it to an extent.

Helpful Hint #1: Buy two mini muffin tins. If you only have one, this could cause you to be in the kitchen FOR. EVER.

Helpful Hint #2: Spray the muffin tins with Pam before you put the batter in the cups for EVERY BATCH. The tops of the muffins come off easily, which is cool, because it gives you something to munch on, but let’s face it…you might get sick of them and that wouldn’t be any fun. (Oh…and loosen the cupcakes a little by running a knife around the diameter of the cupcake tin. You want as clean a removal as possible so they are pretty!!!)

Helpful Hint#3: DOUBLE THE RECIPE! You are going to go through these VERY quickly. They are “poppable” and you will eat like 3-4 at a time…so be sure you make a double batch. All the effort with the baking and glazing is too much for the amount of time it takes to gobble them up.

Helpful Hint #4: Be sure you store them in an airtight container ONLY AFTER they have cooled completely!!!! They get sweaty and that’s just not cute.

Paula Deen’s LEMON BLOSSOMS – Eat up, Ya’ll!

  • 18 1/2-ounce package yellow cake mix
  • 3 1/2-ounce package instant lemon pudding mix
  • 4 large eggs
  • 3/4 cup vegetable oil

Glaze:

  • 4 cups confectioners’ sugar
  • 1/3 cup fresh lemon juice
  • 1 lemon, zested
  • 3 tablespoons vegetable oil
  • 3 tablespoons water

Directions

Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.

Spray miniature muffin tins with vegetable oil cooking spray. Combine the cake mix, pudding mix, eggs and oil and blend well with an electric mixer until smooth, about 2 minutes. Pour a small amount of batter, filling each muffin tin half way. Bake for 12 minutes. Turn out onto a tea towel

To make the glaze, sift the sugar into a mixing bowl. Add the lemon juice, zest, oil, and 3 tablespoons water. Mix with a spoon until smooth.

With fingers, dip the cupcakes into the glaze while they’re still warm, covering as much of the cake as possible, or spoon the glaze over the warm cupcakes, turning them to completely coat. Place on wire racks with waxed paper underneath to catch any drips.(Carm’s note: they drip like crazy especially since you’ll be dunking them in the glaze while they are HOT…) Let the glaze set thoroughly, about 1 hour, before storing in containers with tight-fitting lids.

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I’m the SPECK!

September 17, 2010 at 10:18 am (Entertainment, Humor, Kids, Random) (, , , )

Hi, I'm Carm...I live on a Speck.

I’m the speck…

I get on those kicks of “insignificance” sometimes. Like…are you ever driving down the road and get this overwhelming sense that your presence and existence is just such a small part of what goes on that it’s almost insignificant?

Compared to the planet or even the UNIVERSE – you are really this small speck of sand and how DARE you get so caught up in your own drama’s and life when there is a world out there deteriorating before your very eyes or countries of starving people out there or someone who has a husband and two children and a house and a dog and two cars and they just learned that one of their children is really really terminally sick and here you sit…behind the wheel, stressing because your kids didn’t do the damn dishes last night! Makes me feel really full of myself and quite frankly DUMB for even thinking that I have ANYTHING to worry about.

Am I alone here?  Could I be the only one who gets so caught up in my life’s goings on that I get lost – forgetting about what really matters? Do you think you could ever be as observant as Horton? After all- he noticed a speck on a clover and saved Whoville from certain DOOM! Have you noticed a Whoville lately?

I love you…I really do…you can ask anyone! ~ Carm


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My Friend Wish-List

September 17, 2010 at 10:09 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , )

So my all-time wish is to be Will Smith’s friend. Please understand..it’s not because he’s “hot” (thanks Paris for that little slang term)…it not because he is, as we call it in our house “L-O-D-I-D”. I’m not in it for the fortune or fame…I just think he is a COOL DUDE!  Look at him…he’s all “Wassup Carm-dogg?!?” I’m all, “SUP WILL SMIFFFF!!!” He loves his wife, he’s silly like me and he can DUMB-DANCE like a MO-FO!

Oh, I’m not done…my list goes on…

Oprah. She would enrich my life. She’s a lovely woman who I could just really feel that I could make laugh. I don’t know…I think she’d get a kick out of me. Does that sound conceited? I hope not.

The Obama’s. I want to be their friend. I know – that is too much to ask. WAAAY too much. I just get so warm and fuzzy when I see them that I just want more – not in a stalker kind of way…in an, “I want them to come over for dinner once-a-month” kind of way. Wow…look that them. She’s waving at me, I think.

Vince Gill. The dude is a teddy bear and I love him. He’s got one of the most beautiful voices of all time and can play the guitar like nobody’s business. I’d love to sing harmony with him. While I’m at it, his wife, Amy Grant and I could go shopping a few times a month and just chit-chat about silly things. I think that would be awesome.

Alisson Krauss. I want to sing with her. I have a decent singing voice and had I not fallen for my high-school love and gotten hitched at the ripe old age of 19 I would have persued a singing career. I would love her to invite me to a recording session and watch the silliness unfold and close my eyes and listen to her sweet, sweet voice as it fills me with pure joy. Pretty thing that she is!

Simon Cowell. I think he’s not as bad as they say he is and I would enjoy being with him without all the cameras around to see what he’s really like. Look at that smile…he can’t be all bad, right?!?! hehehe

Africa. I want Africa to be my friend. It’s true. Is that even possible? Whenever I hear of my friends going on missionary trips to Africa…I get all goosebumpy and immediately start to tear up. Perhaps if Oprah decides that she would be my friend, she’d let me work at her school. I would enjoy that. There is something to be said for a culture who looks so happy when they have so little. I may never want to come back if I ever get a chance to visit there. Look at those faces. I could just smooch them all over!!!

Michael Buble. His voice melts me. It’s got nothing to do with his boyish charm or anything…I just wanna hang with him. It’d be awesome to sing with him as well. He just oozes coolness and I suppose that I just want some of that to brush off on me.

I think he’s laughing at a joke I just told him…he’s all, “Carm…that was a HORRIBLE joke!”…I’m all, “I know, Mike…just thought it would make a good reaction shot…”

Ashton & Demi – look at em. I wanna be their friend! Who’dda thunk it? Not me! Probably not them, but I’m oooooh so happy for them! And I think Demi just took a picture of me! Hey Ashton – You guys are cute! No, that’s okay…I’ll stay over here! Catch’ya later!

That’s it for now – it took me forever to post all those pictures…it’s almost dinnertime!! LOL I love you – I really do…you can ask ANYONE! ~ Carm

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The Shadow of 9/11

September 13, 2010 at 11:44 am (Politics, Random, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , )

It’s been 9 years. Here we sit. A country divided. People so fast to point a finger. So quick to judge. So easy to blame.

When you were sitting there…listening or watching the coverage of 09/11/01 did you feel divided that day? Did you feel the overwhelming sense to derogatorily bash your friend or loved one for their political beliefs? Did you hate your President? Did you pass judgment on someone based on their skin color or religion?

I remember that day, as do many of you. A hole formed in my chest. My cheeks were wet with fallen tears that had shed almost all day and many days afterward. The sirens and images from the coverage on the news filled my dreams for months. The hoping and praying and love that I felt that day, that this event would be isolated. The fragility that I felt – I needed to be with my newborn and my 5 year old that day. To hold them. To explain to my little daughter what was happening so that she understood, as much as a 5 year old can. I remember being uncertain. I remember being terrified that I live in a State that has ALL branches of the military with their bases here. I remember thinking…”Is there more to come? Have we seen the end of this terror?”

What has happened to us? I read a blog post from a friend of mine: http://larissalytwyn.pnn.com/articles/show/61615-remembering-9-11 – she made me remember and perhaps realize what happened that day.

I remember how united our country was after 9/11. Do you? Remember looking at someone and rushing your step to open the door for them? Do you remember saying “Thank you” to a stranger? Do you remember that vigil you attended with candles lit, asking for God’s Grace to get our beloved country through this horrible tragedy? Do you remember having a new found love for our firemen and police officers? Do you remember the silence of the airspace when our President ordered the entire U.S. is a No-Fly Zone?

Now, I ask you to take those memories. Apply them to how you feel today. Are you reflecting that feeling of unity that we had on those days and weeks and months following 9/11, or are you letting the terrorists win?

Those towers are not standing anymore…but there’s still a shadow…it’s up to you to shine your light…if you can find it.

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Honorary Jew Status

September 8, 2010 at 2:32 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

About a year ago, I was bestowed a great honor by one of my most potty-mouthiest of friends. It’s been about a year so I guess you could call it my “Jewversary”. She couldn’t find all the pieces at her local (Silver Spring, Maryland) Home Depot, for her Sukkah(*see below) project. On my birthday, I decided to hook her up because – as it turns out – I am a previous hardware store worker and knew EXACTLY everything she needed to complete her project! Anyway – Hannah decided to get out her golden menorah and bestow on me the most wonderfully unofficial title I’ve ever carried: Honorary Jew.

There are a lot of questions I had when I was first given this status – many of them I needed to ask about, some of which I drew the line on, and some – I found out – I already possessed! Here’s what being an “Honorary Jew” means to me:

  • First of all I had to make it CLEAR to Hannah that I would not – under ANY circumstances – alter my diet WHATSOEVER! I mean…a life without pork? SERIOUSLY? You might as well kill me NOW! Have you TASTED BACON??????? I rest my case!
  • I will participate in the Hanukkah celebration…let’s face it…any chance to get more gifts is A-OK in my book. And if you can do it by CANDLE-LIGHT? Uh – yeah…NUFF SAID!
  • Then there’s the whole “Jew’s are good with money” thing. Even though I’m not OFFICIALLY Jewish…being an honorary Jew and lifting that kind of hope up to the Jew Gods is something I’m totally willing to do. I should really read up on this form of belief system…I’m hopelessly ignorant to it – feel free to educate me, that is, if you haven’t already gotten a Rabbi to completely burn your computer monitor because I’m blasphemous. I assure you, it’s not my intention…and BESIDES! Someone who ISN’T Jewish, helping out a REAL Jew with her Sukkah has GOT to count for something, right? I thought so too…
  • Jewish Guilt. Welp. NOW WE’RE TALKIN!!! I’ve got this DOWN! No problemo! In fact the amount of GUILT that I have all welled up and pushed into the furthest recesses of my inner core and subconscious could make me probably full blooded Jewish…probably.
  • That whole thing about Jews love the Jewelery…and own Jewelery stores. I think they might do that just because there aren’t a whole lot of English language words that contain the word “Jew” in them, so they practically HAD to take over that whole industry and quite frankly, who can blame them? Not me!

So there you have it. I know you’re probably jealous of me right now…and to be honest, if I were on the outside (you) looking in (me) I’d feel mighty left out too. Luckily, I don’t have to worry about that, because I’m an Honorary Jew…and you aren’t. Sucks to be you…

* Sukkah – It’s basically a little out-building that the Jew’s spend time in eating, praying and loving. (No, it’s not based loosely on the current popular novel or the movie starring Julia Roberts. Yeesh…c’mon people!) Here’s what Wikipedia says about “Sukkah” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sukkah

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Calling all Parents With a Sense of Humor

September 8, 2010 at 11:57 am (Entertainment) (, , , , , , )

For those of you coveting the ever-elusive “Manual to Teenagers”, I implore you to relinquish your firm tight grasp and share it with the world – but me first! Quit hogging it. Seriously!

Here’s the scoop in about 500 words or less:

As the loving mother of a well-adjusted 14 year old daughter who excels at most anything the puts her mind to, and yes, her High School Career just started and she’s beginning Honors classes to join the International Baccalaureate program that is offered to Junior’s and Senior’s. ~Excuse the momentary lapse of judgment with the bragging – I don’t do it very often, and what better place to do it than my very own BLOG?!?!?~We have a few things I’d like to get under control before her leash get’s extended to the breaking point and she runs for the quickest Greyhound Station. (Are there even any greyhound stations out there anymore?)

Here’s a laundry list of items that I need clarified:

  • eyerolling
  • texting/cell phones
  • extracurricular activities
  • trips to the mall
  • babysitting money – how much to save, how much to allow them to spend.
  • BOYS
  • Makeup
  • Punishments
  • the Internet – to Facebook? or NOT to Facebook…that is the question.
  • that pissy scrinchy look that seems to always be on their face – seriosuly – where does that look COME FROM?!?!?!

Here’s my school of thought…and before I get into this, I should let you know that she is attending her father’s and my Alma Mater…yes, she is attending our old high school. We met there and consequently became married not long after I graduated. And believe me, I’ve scoped the place out for any spies that may be left roaming the halls after 20 years…but narry a one has lasted this long. Yeah, yeah…I’m THAT old. I know…

Back to my “school” of thought – I’m a firm, intellectual parent. I know when the BS-ing starts…and I can tell when I’m NOT being BS-ed. I also believe that the busier you keep the kids, the less energy they have to focus on activities that are not becoming of an honor student. So, here’s what we’ve got her involved in: Volleyball, Choir, Leadership, possibly Cheerleading, and some very very challenging courses so that she can get some college credit under her belt when she graduates – with the ultimate goal of becoming an RN. HER GOAL. We’re very encouraging of both of our girls when they talk to us about their aspirations for the future. So we’re open to whatever they choose. However, once they have chosen something to put their efforts into, we are sure to encourage them and constantly drive them to be the best and keep their goals in the forefront of their minds.

So if you can offer up some advice on the list of bullet points that would be SPECTACULAR. Or just give me your take on this whole Teenager thing…because seriously…I need some help. I’m gonna lose it.

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Do NOT attempt to play Volleyball IF:

September 7, 2010 at 3:00 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , )

This Labor Day weekend, we joined our newly married cousin and her new husbands family for a potluck picnic. The cool part? She married into a Samoan family and I have never met a more loving more welcoming family in my life! Not just a few of them…but THE WHOLE DANG FAMILY! So awesome – and I realized that I was probably Samoan in one of my previous lives because; A.) They love meat/I love meat. B.) They love to EAT..A LOT/I love to eat – A LOT! C.) They are musical and fun-loving people……and yep……you guessed it/I AM THE SAME WAY! YAY!

So – one of the first things we did was play Volleyball. Let me just recap to you my body image…I’m NOT a fit person. I have lots o’ junk in my trunk. Sooooo…this means that I don’t really get up and MOVE a whole helluva lot. And well, this past Sunday was an exception. I sorta forgot about an old Relay for Life Car Wash Injury I sustained about 8-9 years ago…and it decided to rear it’s ugly head yesterday – after I slept on it all weird.

So here’s my list. Do not attempt to play Volleyball if:

  1. You are wearing JEANS. Tummy pinching jeans. Bleh
  2. You have fake nails. Cute nails + bump + set + spike = OUCH and MANICURE DO-OVER!
  3. Thinking you can get away with sliding  your eyeglasses down the opening of your cute tank top. They fall out + they can cause issues if you have fake BOOBS, what with all the jumping and all that you’ll be doing. Plus: I may or may NOT have stepped on them in the sand…
  4. If you are almost 40 and have led a fairly sedentary life, do us all a favor – stretch a little. Seriously.
  5. Any arm, shoulder, elbow or wrist injuries you may have forgotten about will come back to haunt you the next day.
  6. You do NOT have ice packs and/or heating pads in your house.
  7. You do NOT have a stockpile of ibuprofen.
  8. Just because you ACT like you’re 20 and your CHRONOLOGICAL age is pushing 40…doesn’t mean your BODY will heal like a 20 year old. Stop kidding yourself…you’re almost 40…knock it off.
  9. You have an affinity to using the F-bomb when you’re surrounded by bible thumping Christians. (Side note: I love Jesus as much as the next guy…but let’s face it…if God didn’t want us to use that word, then we wouldn’t be.)
  10. When playing Volleyball in the sand, make sure you know that the V-ball pits have been raked a little over the summer…slivers are NOT FUN!

And there you have it. Thank GOD my chair lowers so that I can rest my arms on the desk and not have to lift them to type! WHEW!!!!!!

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A Road Trip to Remember

September 3, 2010 at 11:13 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

We had a great time! Tammy and I got an early start on Thursday because she left work earlier than she expected to, so we were on the road a little before 6 PM. We started the trip with The Dixie Chicks in the CD player. We were so excited! We had SNACKS! We had MUSIC! We had the anticipation of an AWESOME TRIP!

By 10:30 we were eating dinner in Eugene, OR. I HAD MY FIRST PEPSI IN 6 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!! It was more delicious than I remembered. This was my weekend to treat myself. We also hadta gas up and eat and decide if we felt like pushing ourselves or settling in for the night. We grabbed one of those rinky-dink hotel coupon books they have sitting in the cardboard stands near the newspapers – called a hotel that was about 2 1/2 hours MORE south than Eugene and decided that MEDFORD, OR would be where we spent the night. We got about 4 hours of sleep and hit the road again.

As we were driving through the dark of night…speeding WAAAAY too fast, we noticed something that we thought was going to be the GREATEST SIGN OF ALL TIME THAT WE WERE GOING TO WIN MONEY!!!! Can you see that? I was going 77 miles an hour and my mileage on my new car hit 7777!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT! Also…it was 11:49 pm. We were basically giddy anyway. It didn’t take much to put us over the edge.

For those of you that don’t know…I enjoy writing on the windows of my vehicles when I take a road trip. This one was no exception!

The only problem was, it was raining the entire time we were driving on Thursday, so I brought my MEGA CRAYOLA WINDOW MARKERS with us in the hopes that when we woke up in Southern Oregon, the weather would have taken a turn for the better.

We woke up the next morning – well, TAMMY woke up…I didn’t seem to sleep at all. I’m like a little kid sometimes! We got up, dressed, primped and packed and in about an hour we were off again! Well, lucky for us…IT STOPPED RAINING!!!!! While Tammy was hitting the office to take advantage of whatever rinky-dink continental breakfast they offered, I was busy with my markers. Above the squiggly yellow line it says, “HELLO GORGEOUS!!” Among other things, we had a Follow Us on Twitter message, a WILL WAVE FOR HONKS message, BUCKLE UP, WE LOVE YOU message…and a few silly others.

Here we are…getting ready for another ass-numbing ride in the car…this time, we aren’t pulling off the road till we’re there! COME HELL OR HIGH WATER!!!!!!!!

We jumped in the car and AWAAAAAAAAAYYYY We GO!!

After hitting the road, I quickly realized that I didn’t quite exactly review the directions before we left the hotel parking lot, and well……I got on I-5…heading south….and uh….I should have headed north about 3 measly exits. I wanted to fill up with gas, and there was an exit ahead about 2 miles, so we just continued on. Once we got there and filled the tank, I kinda sorta forgot to look at them AGAIN, and continued south…*shrugs* Who cares?!? I actually printed out TWO versions of directions…the short way and the longer more SCENIC route, in case Tammy wanted to see Mt. Shasta on the way there. So, basically, I gave her no choice. It only added another HOUR to the trip…and if we hadn’t taken the detour, we would never have gotten the awesome pictures that she took…so it was meant to be!

South to Redding, California it was! Tammy had never been much south of the Oregon/California border, so she was squealing pretty much the entire time…which…was fun/annoying, but then again, I can be pretty annoying too, what with being able to sing just about any song that comes on the radio/CD. Some of the stuff I was signing I haven’t heard in 25 years. I must be like a Musical Rainman or something because I was even impressing MYSELF!

So, let’s fast forward to when we hit Redding, California! All of a sudden Tammy got really doubtful of my navigational capabilities. And she has this cell phone, powered by Sprint – which gets no EFFING signal 99% of the time, and she whips it out and decides she’s gonna pull up the GPS. And it’s telling us we’re off course and telling us to get back on the freeway, and I’m all, “Dude, the stuff I printed out say to head through Redding and then we’ll get on a highway that heads EAST. We gotta head East at SOME POINT…” and she was all, “It doesn’t LOOK RIGHT!” and I was all…”Let’s just SEE where it takes us, because I’m fairly certain if we continue going SOUTH we’ll end up in MEXICO, and there aren’t any CASINO’S down there and I’m getting the CRAZY EYE!!!!!!!!!!!!” So, we went on our merry little way. We see the turn off that says Highway 44 East. SUH-WEET! IN YO’ FACE HOLMES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did a little happy dance/I told you so dance, and then she had to pee. PERFECT! *rolls eyes*

I can hold it for HOURS! I’m like a fricken CAMEL…Tammy on the other hand has a bladder the size of a thimble and she takes one sip of water and WHAMMO!!! She’s all, “GIRRRRRRRRLLLLLLL! I gots ta PEE!!!!!!!” So we stop at the next rest stop, do our THANG, hope back in the car and get gas at the next gas station we see, and head up and over the “Siskyou” mountain range. Very pretty…very road constructiony….very…uh…ROAD KILLY!!!

So we’re driving up and over the mountains and we’re jammin to some Dixie Chicks travelling at about 77 miles an hour still because I decided that was the lucky speed to be traveling and……and this squirrel the size of a Wiener Dog runs into the road, stops, looks at me, does a stutter step to the left, a stutter step to the right, takes about 4 little squirrely steps………………….and………………….uh – THUNK THUNK THUNK THUD THUNK…………………..I killed that little sucker! I can’t believe it STILL! I’ve never hit ANYTHING! DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tammy threw her hands over her mouth. I threw ONE hand over my mouth! “HOLY SHIT! I JUST KILLED THAT SQUIRREL!!!!!!!!!!!” Tammy is like screaming her head off and I was all, “Holy shit! DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?!? He like ran out in the middle of the road and tried to turn back, then realized he was already too committed and turned to keep going, then turned back to look at me and then kinda decided to just go and WHAMMO!!!!!!!!”…Tammy said, “YOU MURDERER!!!!!!!!!!”….

As I sat there, still going 77, that THUNKING kinda just kept echoing in my head. I kept replaying it over and over, if there was something I could have done differently…but DUDE! I was going SEVENTY-SEVEN MILES AN HOUR! If I had jerked the steering wheel to avoid him, I could have flipped the car, FIRST OF ALL. SECONDLY, there was like a CLIFF on the right! Basically, it was HIM or ME!!!!!! And then the Elton John song ran through my head from the Lion King – The Circle of Life. And I decided that I was just helping the vultures and crows and all the other scavengers live high on the hog that day. Then I said a little prayer for the Lord not to give me back luck, because let’s face it…he created squirrels too! And it was OBVIOUS I felt really REALLY bad, except…I kinda sorta started laughing shortly after the THUNKING stopped, because…if I hadn’tve started laughing, I might have started crying…and well? Who wants to see a grown CARM cry?!? NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s all for now. More later or tomorrow. I have lots to do still. LOVE YOU!

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High School DRAMA

September 3, 2010 at 3:54 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Holy crap. Today was my daughter’s first day in High School. I need a drink. As I’m pouring my drink, let’s recap the summer of FOURTEEN, shall we?

First of all, she got “chummy” with her first BOY interest this summer. She, of course, picked the MOST – for lack of a better term (and also one that my favorite gay neighbor uses) – HILLBILLIEST family on the block to hang around with. It was KILLING ME!!! But trying to be the “cool mom”, I laid down the ground rules about a week into this fiasco. “Protect your virtue.”  “Tell me if anything out of line happens.”  “Keep your eye on your life goals.”  “Surround yourself with successful intelligent people and, in turn, you yourself, will become that way as well.” You know…the whole…”If you get pregnant…I’m going to KILL YOU” speech. She gets it…but she also said right afterwards…”So….can I go up the street and hang out?”……….BLARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This kid was something else, let me tell ya. Total Eddie Haskel attitude. Saw right through it – laughed about it – watched him like a hawk – wanted to kill him – resisted the urge. SUCCESS.

So, summer breezes by and hillbilly boy moves away! SUH-WEET! Dodged a bullet! AWESOME! *happy dance* Left us with 2-3 weeks of peace and joy and happiness. YIPPY!

THEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN…she joins the volleyball team and now we’re trying like hell to get the schedule all figured out. It’s a nightmare – while at the same time, trying to be “cool mom” and getting the eye roll everytime I ask a question like:

Me: So, am I picking you up after practice today?

Her: *eyeroll*

Me: DUDE! I gotta know THAT, right? I mean do you just want to walk 10 miles home or what?!?!?!

Her: psshhh…whateverrrrr, it’s like 6:30.

Me: Do you want me to pick you up or is whats-her-faces Mom or Dad gonna get you guys?

Her: Pssshhh…*eyeroll* I guess.

Me: Welp…I suppose you should get the schedule from the coaches so we know one day to the next what time practice gets out, right?

Her: OKAAAAAAAYYYYY.

Me: *in my head* FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do NOT smack this child!!!!! DO NOT DO IT!

Somehow I managed to keep what was left of my sense of humor. I’m truly being tested here, people. SERIOUSLY!

And the sad part? SCHOOL HADN’T EVEN STARTED YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good Lord and Baby Jesus help me through this to see the BIGGER PICTURE! AMEN!

So we have this…her first day…under our belt. It’s a freaking MIRACLE!

Also…I still have no idea what the schedule is for volleyball practice. I got another eyeroll just 5 minutes ago when I asked about tomorrow. Perfect. Oh damn…lookie there…my poor ice doesn’t have anything to swim around in. Gotta go! :o)

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