Whatsferdeeeeener?

September 14, 2010 at 2:57 pm (Entertainment, Humor, Kids, Random, Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

So, I’m fairly good at making sure we eat at a reasonable hour, however there are times when I am not at all inspired or even hungry enough to figure out what to make for dinner.

On nights like these, I find that I like to tell the kiddos to “make a sandwich” or “make a salad” or (to the 14 year old) “Make a boxed noodle dinner”. Most of the time, I find I feel this way after an especially stressful day. Hell, sometimes I can’t even put forth the effort it takes to say the words, “go get in the shower, child”.

So this brings me to last night. My wonderful husband of 19 years was sitting on the couch last night after I returned with “The Volleyball Star’s” new V’ball spandex shorts that we had to specially buy or she wasn’t going to get to play, never mind the fact that she HAS some, they just aren’t made out of ENTIRELY spandex, but you almost have to TOUCH THEM to see they aren’t the shinier material and I had to spend ANOTHER $25 on this little fun extracurricular activity…*gasping for air*…but I digress…

He’s sitting there, reading his most current Esquire Magazine. We walk in, he looks up,  we express our success to him and 14 year old V’ball star hits the stairs to put her stuff away and I plop down in a chair as Mr. gets back to his magazine. I sit there. Staring at him. For an uncomfortable amount of time. He never once looks in my direction even though he was facing me and probably could COMPLETELY see that I was looking at him…he pretty much ignored me.

It’s that typical thing that us chicks fall for…we get pissy because we’re sitting there and want to talk, and we can’t BELIEVE that they can’t READ OUR MIND and notice that we have that look on our face like we have something to say. HOW DARE THEM!!!!!

So I sit there…and after about 5 minutes – which seemed like it was about 48 minutes, I got up and was all “Well….*that* was nice.” Under my breath of course…………………..

I march into the kitchen, get even MORE flabbergasted by the lack of inspiration that filled our cupboards and decided that I was gonna plop myself down and CHILL OUT.

An hour passes – which by the way, puts us at about 7:45pm – I thought my window had passed and I was going to make it off SCOTT FREE. I was getting sorta excited about just sitting there the rest of the night when Mr. walks in and was all….”So…you want some chicken-salad for dinner?” (Chicken-salad = strips of chicken cooked in Good Seasons Italian Dressing until nice and brown and tossed onto a bed of lettuce or baby spinach leaves and decked out however you like to deck a salad out…)

  • I said, “If that’s what you want then you can have it.”
  • He said, “I’ll be happy to cut up the chicken.”
  • I said, “Uh…so…I guess that means I’m going to be cooking dinner then, eh?”
  • He said, “If you don’t mind.”

Only on the inside I was thinking, “DAMMIT TO HELL!!!!! WHAT THE HELL!!!” and “WHY CAN’T YOU FREAKING DO THIS CRAP YOURSELF?!?!”

And then I checked my attitude, because you know why? Because when I started cooking that shizz? IT SMELLED AWESOMESAUCE, that’s why!!!! And I wanted some after all that hissy fit I just threw!

So that’s why I think he loves me. Because sometimes…not always…but SOME. TIMES. I do stuff I don’t wanna do just to make sure he’s taken care of. And THAT is why, when we got married at 19 years of age, we are STILL married today – because I will cook for him and he does the laundry, dishes and ALL the yardwork for me….

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Honorary Jew Status

September 8, 2010 at 2:32 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , )

About a year ago, I was bestowed a great honor by one of my most potty-mouthiest of friends. It’s been about a year so I guess you could call it my “Jewversary”. She couldn’t find all the pieces at her local (Silver Spring, Maryland) Home Depot, for her Sukkah(*see below) project. On my birthday, I decided to hook her up because – as it turns out – I am a previous hardware store worker and knew EXACTLY everything she needed to complete her project! Anyway – Hannah decided to get out her golden menorah and bestow on me the most wonderfully unofficial title I’ve ever carried: Honorary Jew.

There are a lot of questions I had when I was first given this status – many of them I needed to ask about, some of which I drew the line on, and some – I found out – I already possessed! Here’s what being an “Honorary Jew” means to me:

  • First of all I had to make it CLEAR to Hannah that I would not – under ANY circumstances – alter my diet WHATSOEVER! I mean…a life without pork? SERIOUSLY? You might as well kill me NOW! Have you TASTED BACON??????? I rest my case!
  • I will participate in the Hanukkah celebration…let’s face it…any chance to get more gifts is A-OK in my book. And if you can do it by CANDLE-LIGHT? Uh – yeah…NUFF SAID!
  • Then there’s the whole “Jew’s are good with money” thing. Even though I’m not OFFICIALLY Jewish…being an honorary Jew and lifting that kind of hope up to the Jew Gods is something I’m totally willing to do. I should really read up on this form of belief system…I’m hopelessly ignorant to it – feel free to educate me, that is, if you haven’t already gotten a Rabbi to completely burn your computer monitor because I’m blasphemous. I assure you, it’s not my intention…and BESIDES! Someone who ISN’T Jewish, helping out a REAL Jew with her Sukkah has GOT to count for something, right? I thought so too…
  • Jewish Guilt. Welp. NOW WE’RE TALKIN!!! I’ve got this DOWN! No problemo! In fact the amount of GUILT that I have all welled up and pushed into the furthest recesses of my inner core and subconscious could make me probably full blooded Jewish…probably.
  • That whole thing about Jews love the Jewelery…and own Jewelery stores. I think they might do that just because there aren’t a whole lot of English language words that contain the word “Jew” in them, so they practically HAD to take over that whole industry and quite frankly, who can blame them? Not me!

So there you have it. I know you’re probably jealous of me right now…and to be honest, if I were on the outside (you) looking in (me) I’d feel mighty left out too. Luckily, I don’t have to worry about that, because I’m an Honorary Jew…and you aren’t. Sucks to be you…

* Sukkah – It’s basically a little out-building that the Jew’s spend time in eating, praying and loving. (No, it’s not based loosely on the current popular novel or the movie starring Julia Roberts. Yeesh…c’mon people!) Here’s what Wikipedia says about “Sukkah” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sukkah

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Setting up a “New” BLOG

September 2, 2010 at 11:06 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

This is ridiculously hard work! I had no idea when I created this identity a year ago that a.) I’d forget the HELL out of it and 2.) I’d not be as dedicated to getting it up and running as I thought I’d be.

I thought I’d traipse in here and light this place on FIRE! But…alas…nope. Didn’t happen. I’m not gonna lie…I thought you goobers would EAT MY SHIT UP!!!!!!!!! I mean, I have another BLOG and I have a bunch of peeps reading my shizz, and I sit here, right now, looking at my “Blog Stats” and I’ve gotten nothing but SPAM for comments. SPAM. PEOPLE! That’s damn embarassing!!

So here we go. You’re getting the FULL ON Carm Treatment, now. Yeah…you have no one to blame but yourselves. Don’t look at me like that! It’s YOUR fault! To think…you could have all avoided this if you had just given me just a SMIDGE of feedback, but NOOOOOOO…you refused to get to know the NEW GIRL.

So brace yourselves for some HEAVY blogging by me…and when you want to point a finger of blame? May I suggest you stand in front of a mirror and take a gander at the reflection before you.

Have a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And…I love you. YES I DO! ~ Carm

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Matt Damon Dumped Me in Vegas

April 30, 2010 at 5:14 pm (Entertainment, Humor, Random, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Matt Damon Dumped Me in Vegas

So, I’m dreaming last night…

Apparently I lost like 100 pounds and was rockin this awesome flowy slinky red dress with some of the most FABULOUS shoes known to man and I had somehow landed a date with Matt Damon.

Nevermind the fact that we’re both married and I’m not even particularly “fond” of Matty…I’m just saying it was a dream and I have no idea how this came to be.

So the next thing you know we are walking down the Strip in Vegas. Me…looking all sexy in my slinky red dress with a waistline like I haven’t seen since high school when my grandma and I handmade my poodle skirt for the 50’s concert that I ROCKED IT IN and had a 27″waist…i digress…

To recap: Me = Sexy, HOT, Mouth Wateringly GORGEOUS. Matt = Dashingly handsome and when he looked at me his eyes lit up and he smiled HUGE.

So we go dancing and I noticed how he wouldn’t hold me really, really close. And then we were browsing through the shops at Caesar’s Palace and this old couple waves us over and asks Matt if he could go in and grab them something and so I sat with the lady and she says how suited we are for eachother…I’m watching him grab the items for the old couple and I lean over to the lady and say, “You know…that’s Matt Damon…”…she replies, “I know, dear. He’s handsome, isn’t he?”…I’m all…”He is, indeed!”. Matt comes out and I grab his arm as we cross the street and he shoots me one of his “I’m Matt Damon” smiles and it melts me and I smile back and then he takes off in a full on sprint and RUNS across the street like he’s Tom Cruise in “The Firm” where the entire last 35 minutes of the movie he’s like FULL ON BOOKIN’ it through the street trying to escape the MOB, only Matt is running away from me!

So he gets accross the street and steals a bike and starts riding his bike down the damn Las Vegas Strip and I’m standing there in the middle of the street just kinda looking as he disappears in the distance, still looking DAMN HOT in my flowy red dress. So I cross the street thinking, “Well…we were heading up to MGM, so I may as well go up there to see if he’s there waiting for me.”

So I wobble the 2 miles up the Strip to the MGM and about this time I wake up thinking, WTF! NO WONDER I DON’T LIKE THAT GUY!!!!!

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