A Road Trip to Remember

September 3, 2010 at 11:13 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

We had a great time! Tammy and I got an early start on Thursday because she left work earlier than she expected to, so we were on the road a little before 6 PM. We started the trip with The Dixie Chicks in the CD player. We were so excited! We had SNACKS! We had MUSIC! We had the anticipation of an AWESOME TRIP!

By 10:30 we were eating dinner in Eugene, OR. I HAD MY FIRST PEPSI IN 6 MONTHS!!!!!!!!!!! It was more delicious than I remembered. This was my weekend to treat myself. We also hadta gas up and eat and decide if we felt like pushing ourselves or settling in for the night. We grabbed one of those rinky-dink hotel coupon books they have sitting in the cardboard stands near the newspapers – called a hotel that was about 2 1/2 hours MORE south than Eugene and decided that MEDFORD, OR would be where we spent the night. We got about 4 hours of sleep and hit the road again.

As we were driving through the dark of night…speeding WAAAAY too fast, we noticed something that we thought was going to be the GREATEST SIGN OF ALL TIME THAT WE WERE GOING TO WIN MONEY!!!! Can you see that? I was going 77 miles an hour and my mileage on my new car hit 7777!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOLY SHIT! Also…it was 11:49 pm. We were basically giddy anyway. It didn’t take much to put us over the edge.

For those of you that don’t know…I enjoy writing on the windows of my vehicles when I take a road trip. This one was no exception!

The only problem was, it was raining the entire time we were driving on Thursday, so I brought my MEGA CRAYOLA WINDOW MARKERS with us in the hopes that when we woke up in Southern Oregon, the weather would have taken a turn for the better.

We woke up the next morning – well, TAMMY woke up…I didn’t seem to sleep at all. I’m like a little kid sometimes! We got up, dressed, primped and packed and in about an hour we were off again! Well, lucky for us…IT STOPPED RAINING!!!!! While Tammy was hitting the office to take advantage of whatever rinky-dink continental breakfast they offered, I was busy with my markers. Above the squiggly yellow line it says, “HELLO GORGEOUS!!” Among other things, we had a Follow Us on Twitter message, a WILL WAVE FOR HONKS message, BUCKLE UP, WE LOVE YOU message…and a few silly others.

Here we are…getting ready for another ass-numbing ride in the car…this time, we aren’t pulling off the road till we’re there! COME HELL OR HIGH WATER!!!!!!!!

We jumped in the car and AWAAAAAAAAAYYYY We GO!!

After hitting the road, I quickly realized that I didn’t quite exactly review the directions before we left the hotel parking lot, and well……I got on I-5…heading south….and uh….I should have headed north about 3 measly exits. I wanted to fill up with gas, and there was an exit ahead about 2 miles, so we just continued on. Once we got there and filled the tank, I kinda sorta forgot to look at them AGAIN, and continued south…*shrugs* Who cares?!? I actually printed out TWO versions of directions…the short way and the longer more SCENIC route, in case Tammy wanted to see Mt. Shasta on the way there. So, basically, I gave her no choice. It only added another HOUR to the trip…and if we hadn’t taken the detour, we would never have gotten the awesome pictures that she took…so it was meant to be!

South to Redding, California it was! Tammy had never been much south of the Oregon/California border, so she was squealing pretty much the entire time…which…was fun/annoying, but then again, I can be pretty annoying too, what with being able to sing just about any song that comes on the radio/CD. Some of the stuff I was signing I haven’t heard in 25 years. I must be like a Musical Rainman or something because I was even impressing MYSELF!

So, let’s fast forward to when we hit Redding, California! All of a sudden Tammy got really doubtful of my navigational capabilities. And she has this cell phone, powered by Sprint – which gets no EFFING signal 99% of the time, and she whips it out and decides she’s gonna pull up the GPS. And it’s telling us we’re off course and telling us to get back on the freeway, and I’m all, “Dude, the stuff I printed out say to head through Redding and then we’ll get on a highway that heads EAST. We gotta head East at SOME POINT…” and she was all, “It doesn’t LOOK RIGHT!” and I was all…”Let’s just SEE where it takes us, because I’m fairly certain if we continue going SOUTH we’ll end up in MEXICO, and there aren’t any CASINO’S down there and I’m getting the CRAZY EYE!!!!!!!!!!!!” So, we went on our merry little way. We see the turn off that says Highway 44 East. SUH-WEET! IN YO’ FACE HOLMES!!!!!!!!!!!!! I did a little happy dance/I told you so dance, and then she had to pee. PERFECT! *rolls eyes*

I can hold it for HOURS! I’m like a fricken CAMEL…Tammy on the other hand has a bladder the size of a thimble and she takes one sip of water and WHAMMO!!! She’s all, “GIRRRRRRRRLLLLLLL! I gots ta PEE!!!!!!!” So we stop at the next rest stop, do our THANG, hope back in the car and get gas at the next gas station we see, and head up and over the “Siskyou” mountain range. Very pretty…very road constructiony….very…uh…ROAD KILLY!!!

So we’re driving up and over the mountains and we’re jammin to some Dixie Chicks travelling at about 77 miles an hour still because I decided that was the lucky speed to be traveling and……and this squirrel the size of a Wiener Dog runs into the road, stops, looks at me, does a stutter step to the left, a stutter step to the right, takes about 4 little squirrely steps………………….and………………….uh – THUNK THUNK THUNK THUD THUNK…………………..I killed that little sucker! I can’t believe it STILL! I’ve never hit ANYTHING! DUDE!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tammy threw her hands over her mouth. I threw ONE hand over my mouth! “HOLY SHIT! I JUST KILLED THAT SQUIRREL!!!!!!!!!!!” Tammy is like screaming her head off and I was all, “Holy shit! DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?!? He like ran out in the middle of the road and tried to turn back, then realized he was already too committed and turned to keep going, then turned back to look at me and then kinda decided to just go and WHAMMO!!!!!!!!”…Tammy said, “YOU MURDERER!!!!!!!!!!”….

As I sat there, still going 77, that THUNKING kinda just kept echoing in my head. I kept replaying it over and over, if there was something I could have done differently…but DUDE! I was going SEVENTY-SEVEN MILES AN HOUR! If I had jerked the steering wheel to avoid him, I could have flipped the car, FIRST OF ALL. SECONDLY, there was like a CLIFF on the right! Basically, it was HIM or ME!!!!!! And then the Elton John song ran through my head from the Lion King – The Circle of Life. And I decided that I was just helping the vultures and crows and all the other scavengers live high on the hog that day. Then I said a little prayer for the Lord not to give me back luck, because let’s face it…he created squirrels too! And it was OBVIOUS I felt really REALLY bad, except…I kinda sorta started laughing shortly after the THUNKING stopped, because…if I hadn’tve started laughing, I might have started crying…and well? Who wants to see a grown CARM cry?!? NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s all for now. More later or tomorrow. I have lots to do still. LOVE YOU!

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High School DRAMA

September 3, 2010 at 3:54 am (Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , )

Holy crap. Today was my daughter’s first day in High School. I need a drink. As I’m pouring my drink, let’s recap the summer of FOURTEEN, shall we?

First of all, she got “chummy” with her first BOY interest this summer. She, of course, picked the MOST – for lack of a better term (and also one that my favorite gay neighbor uses) – HILLBILLIEST family on the block to hang around with. It was KILLING ME!!! But trying to be the “cool mom”, I laid down the ground rules about a week into this fiasco. “Protect your virtue.”  “Tell me if anything out of line happens.”  “Keep your eye on your life goals.”  “Surround yourself with successful intelligent people and, in turn, you yourself, will become that way as well.” You know…the whole…”If you get pregnant…I’m going to KILL YOU” speech. She gets it…but she also said right afterwards…”So….can I go up the street and hang out?”……….BLARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This kid was something else, let me tell ya. Total Eddie Haskel attitude. Saw right through it – laughed about it – watched him like a hawk – wanted to kill him – resisted the urge. SUCCESS.

So, summer breezes by and hillbilly boy moves away! SUH-WEET! Dodged a bullet! AWESOME! *happy dance* Left us with 2-3 weeks of peace and joy and happiness. YIPPY!

THEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN…she joins the volleyball team and now we’re trying like hell to get the schedule all figured out. It’s a nightmare – while at the same time, trying to be “cool mom” and getting the eye roll everytime I ask a question like:

Me: So, am I picking you up after practice today?

Her: *eyeroll*

Me: DUDE! I gotta know THAT, right? I mean do you just want to walk 10 miles home or what?!?!?!

Her: psshhh…whateverrrrr, it’s like 6:30.

Me: Do you want me to pick you up or is whats-her-faces Mom or Dad gonna get you guys?

Her: Pssshhh…*eyeroll* I guess.

Me: Welp…I suppose you should get the schedule from the coaches so we know one day to the next what time practice gets out, right?

Her: OKAAAAAAAYYYYY.

Me: *in my head* FUCK MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Do NOT smack this child!!!!! DO NOT DO IT!

Somehow I managed to keep what was left of my sense of humor. I’m truly being tested here, people. SERIOUSLY!

And the sad part? SCHOOL HADN’T EVEN STARTED YET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Good Lord and Baby Jesus help me through this to see the BIGGER PICTURE! AMEN!

So we have this…her first day…under our belt. It’s a freaking MIRACLE!

Also…I still have no idea what the schedule is for volleyball practice. I got another eyeroll just 5 minutes ago when I asked about tomorrow. Perfect. Oh damn…lookie there…my poor ice doesn’t have anything to swim around in. Gotta go! :o)

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Setting up a “New” BLOG

September 2, 2010 at 11:06 pm (Uncategorized) (, , , , , )

This is ridiculously hard work! I had no idea when I created this identity a year ago that a.) I’d forget the HELL out of it and 2.) I’d not be as dedicated to getting it up and running as I thought I’d be.

I thought I’d traipse in here and light this place on FIRE! But…alas…nope. Didn’t happen. I’m not gonna lie…I thought you goobers would EAT MY SHIT UP!!!!!!!!! I mean, I have another BLOG and I have a bunch of peeps reading my shizz, and I sit here, right now, looking at my “Blog Stats” and I’ve gotten nothing but SPAM for comments. SPAM. PEOPLE! That’s damn embarassing!!

So here we go. You’re getting the FULL ON Carm Treatment, now. Yeah…you have no one to blame but yourselves. Don’t look at me like that! It’s YOUR fault! To think…you could have all avoided this if you had just given me just a SMIDGE of feedback, but NOOOOOOO…you refused to get to know the NEW GIRL.

So brace yourselves for some HEAVY blogging by me…and when you want to point a finger of blame? May I suggest you stand in front of a mirror and take a gander at the reflection before you.

Have a great day!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And…I love you. YES I DO! ~ Carm

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Set the “Skinny Me” Free

September 2, 2010 at 7:01 pm (Entertainment) (, , , , , )

Well, Fall is here…that means I’ll be blogging more and more.

I’m going to start an adventure. I’m going to transform my life. It’s time.

Driving my daughter to high school for her first day, reflecting on days and years gone by, I’ve decided that NOW is the time.

I haven’t been chubby my whole life. I looked cute in high school. When I was married I was a size 10. I must’ve been 150 pounds. That even seems like a lot, but I’ve always had a solid body. I think it’s from all the years of swimming and having a pool when I was growing up as well as swimming all through high school…but that’s where it ended.

I’ve gotten lazy and it’s not only unfair to ME, but my poor, poor family has had to deal with my laziness and lack of participation because I get uncomfortable.

This is the first time I’ve written out something that I can be held accountable for. So here’s my plan:

•no more fast food

•no more soda

•cut waaaaay back on sweets

•work 3 salads at LEAST as my meal per week.

•MOVE! My hope is to get up early in the morning each day and go walk around a track we have at a middle school close to my home.

•stick with it this time

•weigh myself

•measure myself

I hope to chronicle this journey here each day as I go through all of this. If anyone would like to join me, I’d love the company.

The weighing and measuring are going to be a hard thing to do. I don’t have anything to hide from you all…so I’m going to have a policy and guidelines. The only policy is FULL DISCLOSURE. You’re going to hear it all. Each heart pumping, tear soaked, uncomfortable and triumphant moment.

So, with that, I will get started. Tomorrow is the first day of Setting the “Skinny Me” Free.

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Matt Damon Dumped Me in Vegas

April 30, 2010 at 5:14 pm (Entertainment, Humor, Random, Uncategorized) (, , , , , , , , , , , , , )

Matt Damon Dumped Me in Vegas

So, I’m dreaming last night…

Apparently I lost like 100 pounds and was rockin this awesome flowy slinky red dress with some of the most FABULOUS shoes known to man and I had somehow landed a date with Matt Damon.

Nevermind the fact that we’re both married and I’m not even particularly “fond” of Matty…I’m just saying it was a dream and I have no idea how this came to be.

So the next thing you know we are walking down the Strip in Vegas. Me…looking all sexy in my slinky red dress with a waistline like I haven’t seen since high school when my grandma and I handmade my poodle skirt for the 50’s concert that I ROCKED IT IN and had a 27″waist…i digress…

To recap: Me = Sexy, HOT, Mouth Wateringly GORGEOUS. Matt = Dashingly handsome and when he looked at me his eyes lit up and he smiled HUGE.

So we go dancing and I noticed how he wouldn’t hold me really, really close. And then we were browsing through the shops at Caesar’s Palace and this old couple waves us over and asks Matt if he could go in and grab them something and so I sat with the lady and she says how suited we are for eachother…I’m watching him grab the items for the old couple and I lean over to the lady and say, “You know…that’s Matt Damon…”…she replies, “I know, dear. He’s handsome, isn’t he?”…I’m all…”He is, indeed!”. Matt comes out and I grab his arm as we cross the street and he shoots me one of his “I’m Matt Damon” smiles and it melts me and I smile back and then he takes off in a full on sprint and RUNS across the street like he’s Tom Cruise in “The Firm” where the entire last 35 minutes of the movie he’s like FULL ON BOOKIN’ it through the street trying to escape the MOB, only Matt is running away from me!

So he gets accross the street and steals a bike and starts riding his bike down the damn Las Vegas Strip and I’m standing there in the middle of the street just kinda looking as he disappears in the distance, still looking DAMN HOT in my flowy red dress. So I cross the street thinking, “Well…we were heading up to MGM, so I may as well go up there to see if he’s there waiting for me.”

So I wobble the 2 miles up the Strip to the MGM and about this time I wake up thinking, WTF! NO WONDER I DON’T LIKE THAT GUY!!!!!

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What the hell, Martha?!

August 28, 2009 at 9:29 pm (Uncategorized)

Oh Martha. You’ve done it again. Indelible Marker? REALLY? Filament Line? SERIOUSLY? Martha…can you please just DUMB IT DOWN for the rest of us please? I realize you’re a domestic GODDESS, but for the love of all things good and HOLY give us a friggin BREAK ALREADY!

I’m tired of “*THIS* is the way *I* like to do it.” or “*I* like to fold over the parchment paper to make a POUCH-LIKE container for the HOME MADE ROASTED PEANUTS.” FOR CHRIST’S SAKE MARTHA! The only people who watch your show are Stepford wives and fricken unemployed white trash!!!!! Enough with the Pseudo-Harvard brainiac embellishments already.

Let me dumb it down for you people…it’s God-damned FISHING LINE and PERMANENT MARKER! Jesus! Filament and Indelible. Gimme a break. I feel like I’m gonna have a stroke!

If you’re sick of of Martha – RAISE YOUR HAND! I thought so. I rest my case. Thank you, goodnight.

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Hellooo Blogospere – Carm is HERE!

August 27, 2009 at 11:20 pm (Uncategorized)

Just wanted to introduce myself. I’m CARM. Nice to meet you. This would be my BLOG. One of TWO that I currently post on anyway. The other is at PNN and to get me started I may possibly borrow a few topics and post them here to let you get to know me a little better.

So sit back…read a little….laugh a little….ooze with sarcasm a little…and we will get along just fine.

Stay tuned…we’ll be with you in a bit.

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